Pronessf \ˈincapable of using more than 1% of his brain\
The more dumbed-down version of human waste
Looking at Pronessf's TF2 career would make anyone laugh out loud; in the short span of 3 years, Pronessf has managed to clock in one of the most consistent resumes in Asiafortress and has had arguably the most stagnant progression in the entire gaming world.
Despite being part of the new influx of latent talent that started in AFC 10, one that represents a new generation of Asian TF2, Pronessf distinguishes himself through his rapid continuous feeding, having become the same exact player the next 4 seasons.
Pronessf's descent to the bottom of the barrel symbolises the never-ending quest to win Division 3 1st, personified in his journey from Participant in Div 3 to 2nd in Division 3 in every single team , yet not able to take home the trophy. Every time he reached the familiar stage called grand finals, he was forced to take on another challenge that he could never finish. So far he has encountered the exact same test the past 3 seasons, but how does he proceed from here?
The original impetus that propelled Pronessf into AFC10 was with REDDIT HEADLINERS. Already in Week 1, he was given the title of Promising Talent (something that he would onto for unfortunately way too long) by facing Hoomanitee and easily destroying them. Steadily, reddit headliners established themselves as a mediocre Div 3 team. Alas, despite trying their best, they were unable to make it to playoffs, being defeated by every above-average team in the season.
Here, Pronessf’s Achilles heel has already started to rear it's head: His absolute horrendous volume of his voice and lack of discipline when against any competent team. In the first few pugs pronessf’s has taken part in, there were multiple complaints from many notable players.
Manceloot: “ Just hearing his noisy ass squeaking vocal range makes me want to quit this dead game”
Spe0: “ I deadass want to kill myself”
Pronessf: “ god why isnt my team pushing with me”
Yet upon being shunned by the community, Pronessf decided to continue with his way. While it's impossible to know how much of the decision was on Pronessf ( I suspect it was all him cause no one wanted to pronessf to stay the same), this is the first example where he displayed a distinct lack of social awareness in TF2.
And yet, this seemed not to matter by the advent of AFC 11. Together with adopted brother Nameloc, Pronessf created the new super team for Div 3, with him showing lower vocal ranges which allowed him to be tolerated by players due to puberty. He wasn’t an average player like Drc, or possessed huge amounts of natural talent but whatever innate skill he possessed when he began playing TF2, it was soon eclipsed by cursed +wm1…..
Especially during AFC 11, one would find Pronessf at the pinnacle of Division 3 drama; the Chinese simply could not shut his mouth.
As a result, CTZ quickly found themselves taking out every other team in Division 3, only dropping 2 maps over the entire season. Both to Technical Difficulties before playoffs. The very fact that CTZ only lost to one team with this innate pile of human trash speaks to volume as no other team has done this before.
By this point, while Pronessf was not hard carrying his team ( players like momo, nameloc and Striker were all playing very well ), he had shown complete mastery on the arts of walking forward over the rest of his peers, and his all around play was so far strong enough to cover his biggest weakness: the lack of discipline.
Everyone thought that this would be the roster to win AFC11 Division 3. However, by the time the first map started in the Grand Finals against Teme Machines, the chinese superstar had fallen. Dying multiple times despite teammates complaint, who could even guess what was going through his thick skull. Alas, this would prove devastating to Pronessf as while the rest of his peers advanced through the divisions, he decided to take something no PLAYER would ever dream of : a break.
Fast forward a season, players that he had grown up with were finally in Division 1 and his adopted brother Nameloc had his team disbanded because of poaching reasons. AFC13 was going to be HIS season. Now this time, Pronessf wanted to be smart, he wanted to win. Thus, he decided to join STANK industries, consisting of Division 1 medic main, ifun, and AFC medals leecher, Pure ( banned right now LOL). Now things were looking great for Pronessf, he had all the right pieces and everybody wanted to win Division 3. However, something forsaken happened, something no one would ever imagine happening: the B U M P. This caused STANK industries to immediately remove every single weak link in the roster, including our beloved feeder, Pronessf. Still wanting to make something out of his pathetic career, Pronessf immediately jumped ship onto Ogygia.
Here on Ogygia, Pronessf realised that he had to play with 5 players that were inferior to him, resulting in him having to maincall (??????). This would prove to be quite successful. However, as this brilliant mastermind had only joined in TW1, he was far too late to change Ogygia’s last few placings into a spot in playoffs.
Yet again, the stars aligned. Pronessf’s buddy and roster rider, Megu, had spread the good name of this 15 year-old and allowed him to join with a top Division 3 Team, Abnormal Sodium, giving him a chance to play with Asiafortress’ oldest player, spikycactus. This would be probably one of the most successful runs to Grand Finals as Pronessf finally had someone that could put him in his place.
However, this would prove too good to be true. As ABNA slowly crawled their way in Grand Finals, tragedy struck, but this time in the form of a LUXURIOUS HOLIDAY FOR MR. STARVOX TO NIHONLAND (HELL YE)!!!!! Unfortunately, for Pronessf and his Grand Final crew, they were in deep trouble. They had lost their most powerful player and needed to field a merc ASAP. This would eventually lead to the unofficial signing of ABNA Manceloot, something which both Pronessf and Manceloot wish had never happened. ABNA put up an amazing fight against eventual Division 3 Winners, Alphadogs, but they were yet unable to defeat them as the Pronessf Curse held strong.
That day, Pronessf gained two little spots on his resume: Yet another Division 3 2nd and the constant belittlement of Manceloot.
After a failed stint in PURE IM division where he was cut in TW1 and replaced by drc on scout (god kill me) due to feeding habits, Pronessf realised that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH, he wanted to prove everyone else wrong, he wanted to show that he was not a disgusting tumor. Thus, he began adventuring even further, he went to the land down under, “I lost to a bunch of emus” land.
Here, Pronessf got his name out, even forcing a certain member of the OZF community to forever have the letters “ P R O N E S S F” printed on to the back of his head. This man was called Vivi. Vivi here was not a gigantic fan of Pronessf, but soon time showed that despite how hard you tried, you could never really cure cancer, and that you could only accept it. Soon enough, Vivi picked up Pronessf to play for his AFC14 team, Butters Fan Club. However, this time Pronessf wasn’t picked up to play his signature scout, but instead he was forced to take on the mantle of Pocket. This would prove to be a very new experience for Pronessf as not only was he picking up a new class, he was also playing with a bunch of very english people who had low tolerance for noise pollution. Despite being his 4th season, Pronessf was still producing the most useless and loudest information.
Thus AFC14 began. Despite having a minor bump fighting against wubwub’s team, Pronessf managed to turn the tide around and defeat every other Asian team even with a minor ping disadvantage. They also managed to destroy Cute Little Sister 6s through a brain play Pronessf likes to call “ Jump Quasar”. After 7 weeks of putting up with players from different continents, Pronessf found himself on the top of Division 3 leaderboards. Unfortunately, despite showing his wrath and capabilities he has on pocket, many Division 3 player3 who failed to conquer a spot in playoffs criticise his ability as a player, players like these include w4lker from Signatured.
The tale of Pronessf is far from over. This week marks the start of playoffs and the start of Pronessf’s journey to first place. Will he achieve what he had aimed for so so long, or will he add another Division 3 2nd place to his unbelievably disappointing resume?
Written by TF2 Extraordinaire and in no way copied from K1lled’s blog post,
Spearheaded by well-known community member Spartan117 “Anti-Clockwise” looks to be the strongest team in div3. Fielding DM Powerhouses Demoman Gunguy and Roamer uniq, two long time vets who’ve returned to prove their mettle and Scout lisa, who’s arguably the best HL sniper in SG. The team also features Medic Waffleiron a HL medic main who decided to dabble in 6s and Pocket hailster whose experience in the upper echelons of the league might give this team the strategic edge to take it home.
But do they have enough time before their competition catches up?
From the opposite side of the spectrum we have Signatured. Not many would consider Signatured to be a DM team but they have the experience and the synergy. Formed from the backs of xdstalememes (aka j4), the core of this team has survived for many seasons. With Scout duo Haze and co-captain zysf, pocket rave and medic hemstar, players who’ve played with captain and roamer memes since afc12 and they’re looking stronger than ever. Rounding out the roster is demoman –ideknoo; while he’s mostly known for his medic, his demo is not to be trifled with.
Where ever this team may fall short, the seasons upon seasons of synergy that the players have built up will surely prove its worth in the battlefield. And with coach w4lker they’ll be looking to leave a lasting impression that’ll be spoken of for seasons to come.
Another team with seasons of synergy, we have the pure Japanese team Grilled Chiken. The roster has survived for seasons now in one way or another; and while they’ve always fallen short of any placements , this season looks to be their best chance. Team captain and medic moya is the heart and brain of the team, a player who has played on the team since its inception. Scout duo cowcow and yucky are, while unproven, a force to be reckoned with. Soldiers luke and tom are two exceptional players molded by the fiery foundry of hatena pugs and Demoman Pestoman, has always been known for his outstanding deathmatching abilities.
When the pressure increases and the eggs start to crack, will the Ducklings turn into a delicious grilled chicken… wait wat?
The wild card for this season, this venomous combination of players might as well slither themselves into playoffs. To be honest, I have no idea what their players are playing and I’m not sure they themselves know either. All I know is that any team with ex-div1 player ifun will be a spectacle to watch. But durian isn’t the only person looking to farm, for this team features more highlights than the mememaster himself. Players Guitar, Holographic and Drae are not any newcomers to the competition and over time have built up their dm from the deepest darkest areas of MGE. Players Sam and Seokjin , while not as skilled as their teammates, they’re not to be passed over and OZF IM player Greek will also bring his experience from the land down under into the battlefield.
All I can say about this team is: O.o
Well there you have it folks- my predictions. Here's to a wonderful season and before you get your pitchforks up 'cause you didn't get in, always remember that will make your playoffs placement that much more sweeter
Have you ever felt a sense of impending doom when waking up in the morning? The feeling of waking up in the morning to realise that you haven’t woken up from a nightmare, instead finding yourself waking up to a nightmare? Sort of like waking up in the morning to realise that the millions of dollars you inexplicably won in the lottery despite not buying a ticket was in fact just a part of a cruel, sweet dream? Well that was the way i had felt when i woke up this morning, for it was the morning that i would finally try and confess my feelings to my childhood friend.
It’s been 8 years since i met her, and 3 years since i’ve realised that i fell for her. Those 3 years i’ve always searched for an opportunity, anything i could do to finally tell her how i felt, yet nothing has come from it since i was such a coward. I’m more or less a natural born coward, a person who always shied away from any challenges or any threats, and did nothing that had so much as a slight chance of a risk. There were so many times and chances given to me to tell her how i felt, or a hint of some kind, like last Thursday in the cinema, or during lunch break when we were left alone by our classmates on Tuesday, or even when we were walking home together yesterday, i’ve been given far too many chances that i’ve never took advantage of. It’s not like i was good at hiding my feelings either; If i was then maybe everyone in class wouldn’t already know about how i felt, at this point i’m sure that the only person that’s blissfully unaware of my love is Vonix herself. She was always laughing at my silly antics, my clumsy nature when i stumble over nothing while carrying my tray from the cafeteria, my forgetfulness in bringing my lunch in the first place, even during my embarrassed stuttering when talking to her at times even after 8 years. In fact, i can’t think of many moments where i’ve seen her not smiling, maybe except that one time of course.
When we were 14, which was about 4 years ago, i was always getting bullied in class for my short stature, as everyone around me towered high above, sometimes even 30 centimetres or so. Everyone loved to make fun of me because they knew i couldn’t fight back, and i didn’t put up a fight. This went on throughout the school year, until it got out of hand one day when the notorious class bully tried to hit me for accidentally knocking into him while i was dashing for the toilet. “Have you no eyes? Could you not see me here, or are your eyes just as small as you are?” I didn’t have time to argue with him as i really needed the toilet, so i gave him a half hearted apology and tried again for the door, but he didn’t let me pass. As he raised his fist in a fit of anger, i braced myself for the impact that would probably have landed me in the hospital should it connected. As i stood waiting for the imminent right swing, i heard someone rushing to my defence. “He’s already apologised, it’s not like he did it intentionally either, so just let him go already!” It was Vonix, as she placed herself between me and the bully. There was a different air to her this time, not the usual calm and playful aura i was used to. I couldn’t put my finger on the difference, until she managed to chase the bully away and turned to face me. She was not smiling.
‘Today’s the day!” Trying to psych myself up to do something, i realise that today’s the perfect time to confess my feelings to her, it was the 14th of February afterall. Motivated, i put on my shoes and stepped outside. That was when i realised, the moment the warm rays of sunlight touched my skin; What do i even get her? I’ve tried so hard to convince myself to finally muster up the courage to do something, that i forgot to plan what that something was. I strolled aimlessly along the asphalt pavement, trying to think of a suitable plan to confess. I must have passed several blocks by the time i realised where i was headed, as i was slowly but surely making my way to the shopping district. “Wow,” i wondered, “Even my legs and my subconscious mind knows more about confessing and what to do than me, maybe i should just perpetually stay in that trance…” The echoes of people trying to market their products and middle aged women trying equally as hard to bargain with them filled my ears as i entered the district. There were many items on sale, ranging from an assortment of coloured towels and pretty keychains. There was everything in here, from people selling cotton candy and popcorn to stores selling wooden furniture. There were also many stores selling Valentine’s day themed items, such as boxes of pretty chocolate and pendants that you could engrave your significant other’s name on. I was jolted out of my daydream, as i realised that i was just staring at the plethora of items on sale, and that i had long forgotten my purpose, getting a gift for Vonix. It was hard to think with all the noise, but i had to come up with something, anything that i could give so that it’ll be easier for me to confess. As i reached out for the box of chocolates that was on Valentine’s sale, i was pushed along by the sea of people. “Hey!” i tried to squeak, but it was no use, i was too far away from the shore. Further and further i drifted away from the pretty pink shop that sold Valentine’s day items, and i stopped struggling to fight the current as i decided to let the massive crowd of last minute shoppers take me wherever they wished. As i found myself washed up on a quiet deserted island where nobody inhibited, i stumbled upon a lonely floral shop.
This is the one.
A wave of cowardice hit me again, as i found myself nervous to enter the store. Pacing back and forth, worrying thoughts filled my mind. ‘What if she doesn’t like it, what if she has a flower allergy… what if…” I was all too confused with what to do as a fresh wave of anxiety hit me. The sun was already high up in the air, and i hadn’t a moment to waste if i wanted to confess to her by today. With new-found conviction, i entered the beautifully decorated store. Flowers were everywhere, gorgeously arranged and placed neatly in clear glass vases. The entire rainbow was represented in the store, and the bewitching scent of flora pleasantly wafted into my nostrils. It was then that i realised; What flowers do i even purchase? I haven’t an inkling of knowledge regarding flowers, as well as what Vonix might even like when it came to them. That was when i heard the voice of a woman in her twenties call out to me.
“Hello, how may i help you?”
As i turned to face the woman, i realised that it must be the florist that owned the store. The florist smiled warmly at me, as she picked up a rose from one of the vases around. “Sorry for standing around without saying anything, i was just dumbfounded by your selection of flowers here...” I found myself muttering, as i hung my head in guilt. How long have i been standing there without saying anything? She approached me with the rose still in her hand, probably assuming that i was trying to buy a rose for my beloved. ‘If you’re looking for flowers for your Valentine, i have a wide array of them, however i do think this rose would probably be the most foolproof item you could get.” I shook my head in disagreement, as i stared at the variety of flowers behind her. I was spoilt for choices as there were as many flowers in this tiny store as the stars in the night sky, but i knew that the rose would be the wrong choice. “I’m looking for a flower, but i’m afraid the rose may not be the one. I’m afraid the thorns might cut her so i’d prefer something else…” This came out no more than a mumble, as i was afraid she might try to educate me on why the rose was the best choice for this special day, and i haven’t the time to discuss it with her. She tensed up, almost dropping the rose, as if i had said something horrible. Gesturing me to follow her, she paced away from me until she was standing in front of the back door of the store. “In the many years i’ve worked here, that’s the first time i’ve heard that. Come here, i’ll show you a secret!”
What awaited me was a well kept garden, possibly filled with an even larger variety of flowers than the shop. As i was careful not to trample on any of the pretty things, she sat down beneath a small tree, as if she’s done so many times before. “Well, of course the garden isn’t a secret, everyone around here knows i’ve got one here. The secret i was talking about is this flower right here, the Salvia.” It was an azure blue flower, as big as her palm. The flower stood out amongst the rest, as if the garden was constructed to compliment the sole cluster of Salvia flowers. “The Salvia symbolises modesty, sensuality, and most importantly, love. It was a gift from my boyfriend, whom is now overseas, working hard to master his passion.” Those words seemed distant, as if she was longing for his return. She was careful not to look at me while uttering them either, as she looked to the sky, as if searching for him, somewhere. “He wanted to pursue his career in medicine, and decided that the best way was to further his education somewhere far, so he went to Germany. He gave me those flowers as a parting gift, saying he would return eventually. There is also a phrase that’s linked to the Salvia, being the phrase “I’m thinking of you”.” While she kept up her smile, it was clear that she was heartbroken. She clutched her flower tightly to her chest, now staring right at me, her clear hazel eyes shining with resolve. “When i heard what you told me earlier, i saw the determination and love you had. Even though you were unsure about yourself, you knew not to harm the one closest to you. With this flower, i want you to cherish her, as i’m sure she’s important and very dear to you.” She stood up, handing me a pink and white flower from beneath her apron. On the plastic wrapper that bunched up the enchanting stalks of Marjoram’s, there was a label that read, “Joy and happiness”.
It was clear what i had to do then.
I paid for the flowers, and left hastily for her house. There was a sense of lingering loneliness that i felt from the florist, and i was determined to help her out when i was able to, but i didn’t want to lose the determination and the guiding light i had received from the florist. Why had i been so convoluted with thought before? The answer i needed was never in the gift, the answer was what i was able to give. I will make her happy, i will be the reason she smiles in the morning. The present wasn’t important, it was what i gave to her afterwards that mattered. I ran, as fast as my legs could possibly take me, towards her house. It was a long distance from the shop, but that didn’t matter to me as the adrenaline in my body spurred me forward. She’s always been there for me, always smiling and helping me out whenever she can, never with a complaint. This time, i want to be the one to be there for her, always supporting her, always caring for her, always loving for her. I will provide her with the present, but i will also be there for her in the future.
“Is Vonix here?”
As she opened the door, i was speechless again. Her long jet black hair cascaded behind her back, with her dark eyes widening at the state i was in. Perspiration dripped from my brow, and my shirt was soaked through. There was a sudden ache from my legs, but at least the flowers were safe. “Are you okay? Have you always went for an evening jog? No fair, you should invite me along next time!” She teased as she gestured for me to enter her home to rest. Evening jog? I was sure the sun was still up a moment ago, just how long have i ran for? Looking at her concerned face as i didn’t react to her kindness, i realised i had so much to say, so much i needed her to know. Unable to bear the weight of my own crushing heart, i blurted out my feelings in their entirety.
“I’m so sorry for always causing trouble for you, Vonix! All those times i’ve made you worry, all those times i’ve made you sad, all the times you’ve had to help me out, like that time with the bully… I don’t know what i’d do without you, Vonix, i just want you to stay by my side… “
With all the remaining courage i could conjure, i found myself raising my voice as i told her the final piece of the puzzle still left empty;
“I love you, Vonix!”
There wasn’t even a seconds delay. She embraced me, taking the Marjoram’s from my hand and giving me something i had not expected in the slightest; A kiss.
“AiShou, I love you too…”
LERL \ˈlər(-ə)l\ The more sophisticated version of lol
Looking at Lerl's TF2 career would make anyone laugh out loud; in the short span of a year, Lerl has managed to clock in one of the most successful resumes in Asiafortress and has had arguably the most meteoric rise to the top.
Despite being part of the new influx of latent talent that started in AFC 10, one that represents a new generation of Asian TF2, Lerl distinguishes himself through his rapid improvement, having become a top demoman within 3 seasons.
Lerl's rise to the top symbolises the never-ending quest to win, personified in his journey from 3rd in Div 3 to one of the best teams in Asia, yet not quite the best. Every time he reached one level of success, he was forced to take on another challenge that no one else could finish. So far he has passed every test presented before him, but how does he proceed from here?
The original impetus that propelled Lerl into Asian TF2 was with BRG. Already in Week 1, he was granted a taste of the high of competitive TF2 when Rednexxala casted his match against rivals TMG. Steadily, BRG established themselves as a top Div 3 team. Alas, despite being granted a free FFW by TechE, they were unable to win a single match in playoffs, being eliminated by eventual champions TMG in the lower bracket.
Here, Lerl's Achilles heel has already started to rear it's head: His indecisiveness and weak mental game. In the first map vs TMG in playoffs, Lerl was playing pocket for his team. Yet upon losing that map, the team decided to switch Lerl back onto medic. While it's impossible to know how much of the decision was on Lerl, this is the first example where he displayed a distinct lack of confidence in himself and his abilities.
And yet, this seemed not to matter by the advent of AFC 11. Together with longtime teammate Ifun, Lerl created the new super team for Div 2, with him showing rapid improvement in terms of deathmatching and decision making. He wasn’t a prodigy in the mold Aishou, or possessed huge amounts of natural talent but whatever innate skill he possessed when he began playing TF2, it was soon eclipsed by his work ethic.
Especially during AFC 11, every night one would find Lerl scrimming with his team or playing with some sort of mix without fail; the pinoy simply loved playing TF2.
As a result, TCF quickly found themselves as the undefeated champions of Division 2, only dropping 2 maps over the entire season. One to TMG in Week 2 before they had their final roster, and another to their closest rivals TechE on their best map in the UBF. The very fact that it was considered amazing that TechE managed to win a map at all, speaks volumes to the dominance that TCF displayed over its run.
By this point, while Lerl was not hard carrying his team ( players like vetia, Ifun and Itache were all playing very well ), he had shown complete mastery over the rest of his peers, and his all around play was strong enough to cover his weaknesses; he was ready to face the upper echelon.
Thus, the core of TCF was brought into Div 1 and forming Supa Strikas, picking up superstar scout Fwishy along the way. With their strong base play of Lerl and Fwishy, coupled with Ifun's maincalling, the team cruised to playoffs. Despite finding some trouble with AMC, the team quickly found themselves in the grand final, where xiao was waiting. Sadly, it was a swift 3-0 win to xiao , who barely broke a sweat while doing so.
Behind the scenes, things were far from pleasant. Ifun's lack of motivation, coupled with an ever changing roster and almost never playing scrims, simply resulted in them being unable to properly challenge xiao despite the amount of talent on paper.
Lerl's biggest strength has always been his raw deathmatching ability and gamesense. He tends to play passive roles in his teams, yet he is able to playing it to nigh perfection; knowing how to survive without heals while being a high impact player. When he has been feeling confident, he can outright carry the game for you.
Furthermore, playing within Ifun's system of maincalling has definitely contributed towards his success, showing his ability to play well under clear and firm direction.
Finally, it cannot be understated Lerl's drive to win and improve himself Although his motivation had a tendency to dip, he was one of the few players on Supa Strikas who was constantly playing and improving his game.
By this point, it is a game of diminishing returns. His mechanical skill and ingame play is rated very highly , and rightfully so, but the one hurdle he has yet to overcome is his weak mental game.
Lerl has never shown the resilience to meet every challenge boldly, instead oftimes opting to give up and accept defeat. He has never been the one who shows initiative by leading by example and persistently trying new ways to solve the proble. He simply prefers to let others make a decision without him or resort to passive aggressiveness. Without a commanding presence, Lerl's game quickly detoriates, as he enters a cycle of self deprecation.
Despite all this, Lerl is still the one you should pin your hopes on dethroning the firmly established top scene. The problem is that Lerl has never been in this situation before; he's always been in a comfortable state where he's clearly the best, and if not he's always had Ifun and his confident maincalling with him. Now, the duo have finally separated , with Ifun electing to play other classes, and Lerl has to learn to stand on his own two feet.
If his goal is to become a good TF2 player, he has already long since accomplished this. His goal is to become the best TF2 player he can be, and so far he hasn't fully displayed the dedication and grit to overcome the perpetual roadblocks that confront those who aim to become the best.
With xiao potentially becoming even more dominant with the addition of Fwishy into their roster, Lerl has to change. If he ever hopes to beat them, he has to grow as a player and as a person, and become a superstar.
When I say superstar, I'm not just thinking of good players, I'm thinking of one man armies who could legitimately win any game through their incredible talent and indomitable will; they are practically able to push, drag and force their teams through elite opponents, especially when things aren't going right.
The nuance of superstars is that you know they will perform in every match and against any level of opponent. This is the difference between superstars, and good players like Lerl; he's great in terms of his stable performances and ability to rack up damage and kills, but at times not having as much impact in the kind of games from which superstars are expected to elevate their teams to greater heights.
In essence, when his team won Lerl looked dominant, when they lost he seemed to go missing. While never letting his team down and continuing to be a stable source of damage, when their backs were against the wall in the he never looked like the player to kick-start the comeback for his team.
Mechanically Lerl is a beast, with consistent performances across every map. He never seems to struggle but on the flip side, he never seems to be the difference maker. In other words, he always seems to be a background character when his skills warrant him to be leading the charge.
In fact, Lerl at times has a tendency to underperforming or tilt under pressure; He lacks
the inner strength to say "I don’t think I’m the best, but I don’t think there is anyone better" (olofm). He's great when things are going well, but when shit hits the fan, as it inevitably will against teams like xiao, what can he bring to the table?
Lerl's conundrum is one that should be studied as it deals with the most fundamental problem of competition. I don't know if he will ever reach his ultimate goals, but if Lerl is to once again elevate his play to another level, and become the superstar he is destined to be, he has to first conquer himself.
PS I have a blog https://k1lledblog.wordpress.com
My name is Kachow, Mememachine or ifun. I am a div 1 medic in AFC12.
Why is Asiafortress' new ruleset a "hideous blot"?
The AFC12 rule set is an indication of the entire administrative staff's negligence of the abuse and exploitation that may result from its lax creation. Compared to the old rule set, granted it was revised much more than the new one, it is more detailed and touches in many more varying factors and areas that may need reference in the regular occurrence of a tournament. I will try to dissect as much as I can with the little time I was provided by my circumstances but let's get on to the point.
You can pause infinitely, as a technicality in the AFC12 Rule set
I cannot quote anything here due to the AFC12 rule set lacking in pause rules. There are no areas in the ruleset that specifies the nature of pauses, how long it can be used and how many times it can be abused. As such, it brings it to my attention that this is a huge loophole that players may abuse/exploit. Despite the reports I've made and solution I've suggested, it has yet to be fixed. In what capacity does an admin have to be forced to change the rules? I was told by an admin, whom I refuse to name and is my friend, that it is not going to be abused and they cannot forsee any abuse that will be done. This is a shortsighted view by the administrative staff (I'm not saying it is their collective opinion but rather their negligent stance says otherwise).
The abuse of the rule set is what must be called to force the admins to fix the aforementioned. What the administrative staff fails to realize is that the exploitation of the rules must not be the initiative force to create change but rather to prevent such exploitation to occur in the first place. Rules are set in place to protect AsiaFortress from trickery, cheating and whatever the administration deem punishable.
In the AFC12 Rule set (as of 10/2/17)
Lack of a server crash rule set
It may seem I am nitpicking in this area but I believe that in the event that a server crashes, there must be a proceeding that must be followed. This is to avoid favouritism, inconsistency and etc. in the judgement of the administrative staff.
Disclaimer: This is not a targeted attack on the admins but rather a call to action.
Additional rule problems are going to be added later, I gotta go to school boyos.
written by K1lled and ev for fun
More Asiafortress Cup Division 2 action is coming your way with teams ERA and Sapnu Puas locked in a do-or-die match for a spot in the grand finals, where team Konma the Real MK await them! Unlike the previous season, where TCF only dropped 2 maps across the whole season, there is no major favourite with each team dropping maps to another; any team can clinch the gold. Will Sapnu Puas win their match with harvey... on scout? Will ERA replicate their earlier BO3 victory? Will the honkies ever get out of Div 2? We’ll let you draw your own conclusions after we lay the teams out:
Konma the Real MK
Konma the Real MK is probably the team that brings the most winning DNA, emerging as the winner of the regular season and coming off a 2-0 win against team ERA. The honkies have a long and illustrious history, with their rosters always attaining top placings in Division 2. This season, their roster looks to be a sort of mixed breed of last season's runner-up TechE with some veterans to produce a unique dynamic playstyle that is always entertaining to watch.
Having been together for so long, these players have displayed a great amount of chemistry which enables them to cooperate and coordinate plays at a high level when coupled together with their consistent deathmatching ability. There is no singular carry, with every player being able to win the game on a good day. Central to the dynasty are Konma and Banana, who have been playing together as a duo for years now. Konma is a passive yet intelligent player, playing a bdonski-esque role of knowing how to survive without heals, yet always having a huge impact in fights. On the other hand, Banana is a highly potent roaming soldier in his own right, with strong deathmatching and good sacrificial plays. However, he is most potent when the opportunity arises for him to snipe, being widely acclaimed for nigh-godly sniper aim. While these 2 are the progenitors of the dynasty, the new blood of dreamerung and K1lled have helped to power this team into the upper echelons of Division 2. K1lled’s consistently high damage output in addition to his gung-ho approach to maincalling gives this team that aggressive edge and style teams find hard to counter. Meanwhile, dreamerung improved leaps and bounds over the previous season and he doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. His aim and potency are unquestionable, as can be seen by him consistently top fragging in every game. That is not to say that mop isn’t a good player. In fact, he is one of the more experienced players, having played multiple classes at a high level and continues to pound despite playing on 200 ping. The final player is iMauriceiNoob (he has never changed his steam alias, look at his profile), having achieved third place in Division 1 last season, is still going strong with good surfs and arrows (despite his tendency to drop).
There’s enough talent, heritage and experience here to beat any team. They are not invincible though, and their signature aggressive, balls to the wall style may be their downfall. The higher the risk, the higher the reward and when a push goes awry, they can fall flat on their faces.
Don’t let that 2-0 loss to Konma the Real MK fool you, ERA is still a very dangerous team with the potential to win it all. ERA was founded by Striker in the off season of AFC 11 and looked very different back then, with their starting lineup having Ghosty on medic and Striker on scout. However, what was then an uncertain project has turned into a championship contender with a stacked roster filled with experienced players.
The aforementioned leader, Striker, is the cornerstone of the team has played at a high level on many different classes. This season alone he has played roamer, pocket and currently medic. No matter what class he’s on, he can be counted on to perform. The talent of Slayer, Surf and momotan (ie tharnos) is widely acclaimed and for good reason, they have a wealth of experience as compared to the other players and have been considered top players season after season. Although their chemistry as a unit could do some work, individually all of these players do and are expected to perform in order for their team to win. (and like have you seen them godlike dm omg) Slayer and Surf have won Division 2 before in AFC 10 with Fruit Salad and are back to win it all once again. Momotan has always been known for his legendary mge and deathmatching ability on soldier and has translated them seamlessly to scout. Having been benched during playoffs by TechE, former Overflow leader pozi is back to show that he can stand with the greats. It cannot be denied that he has improved greatly over this season and plays his role as pocket scout to a high level, consistently getting many kills. Finally, rounding up their roster is yet another first place finish, this time in Division 1. Floaty is not only a Division 1 Champion, he is also an amazing jumper. His jumping and playmaking ability is unrivaled in Division 2 and it is this fact that allows this team to excel. His unique and fast approach to bombs ofttimes throws enemy gamers into confusion, never quite knowing when that big bomb will come in until it’s too late.
Unlike the other teams who lean heavily to either side of the spectrum, ERA lies mostly in the middle, not particularly favouring an aggressive nor passive style while still capable of both. Their style is designed specifically to allow their playmakers to shine, with the role players being disciplined for their sake. While their tactics can be predictable at times, they are executed to such a high degree that it doesn’t even matter. Tactics such as double soldier bombs at mid or bombing Floaty in during stalemates can be expected. Overall, their experience allows them to automatically attain a high level, but it remains to be seen if they can improve their chemistry.
So team harvey on dem.. I mean sapnu puas prides themselves on playing a structured style which ensures them to consistently build rounds. As previously alluded to, the original project was to have harvey play his first season on Demoman but recent circumstances regarding one of their Australians, sage, has meant that harvey and repulse have reprised their “main” classes of Scout and Demoman respectively.
The obvious name that sticks out has to be the team’s pocket: Itache. Having had a dominant season with TCF, winning first place, has been somehow dragged out of retirement to prove that he is no one trick pony. His recent victory means that he is one of the main sources of excitement surrounding this team for playoffs and rightfully so, his godlike deathmatching ability and being the heal tank translated into his team being a few rounds away from beating ERA. Together with repulse, they make up the main damage output of the team. Speaking of repulse, despite mainly playing Soldier in recent times, he is no slouch on Demoman and has had numerous top placings previous seasons. Playing with such a heal-heavy pocket, repulse has the experience and gamesense necessary to know which fights to take and how to survive. He can be relied upon as the backbone of this team. apples and harvey have both dabbled in OZF and played IM so their exposure to different styles of play will come in handy. apples is a well-known player, having won Division 2 with Fruit Salad and has played Division 1 with AMC before. He plays his flank scout role intelligently and coordinates with his roamer to great effect. harvey is back on scout for playoffs and plays his pocket scout role dutifully. He doesn’t have the biggest numbers, nor does he have insane dm, but he has the discipline to use his brain to win games by choosing to take intelligent fights where he has an advantage of some sort. Don’t forget his ability to utilize classes like spy to surprise opponents. Coming in to fill the roamer spot is Corto, an who most recently attained third place in Division 3 with The Mighty Smurfers last season. It remains to be seen how much he can adjust to the roamer role in a short span of time. Last but not least is the medic with tons of OZF experience smeso. Having been playing since OWL 10 in 2013, he brings a fresh set which has shaped the team’s unique identity. Always staying alive, relying not on movement but on smart positioning.
While nudity is not appreciated in Asiafortress, their team certainly is! In comparison to the previous 2 teams, Sapnu puas is a lot more regimented and strict and this can be seen in their play during stalemates. Unlike the typical Asian style of blowing things up with a soldiers sac or an Uber trade, this team prefers to use other forms to slowly build up advantages. Tactics such as running an offclass like sniper, spy or even heavy have been utilised to a great degree in the past. Teams will find it hard to catch their players off guard as each player knows exactly what role they are supposed to play. While it may appear more boring to the casual observer, it cannot be denied that they play it well and this is why they’ve made it this far into the season. However, the chemistry built up over the season has been compromised slightly with the recent roster changes. If Sapnu puas manage to snag the title right from under everyone’s noses, we might be obliged to then send a pic or two..
It is undeniable that these 3 teams are the best in the division. With the lower bracket finals taking place tommorow, make sure you tune in to the match and see which team will emerge victorious for a final chance for the gold!
And of course, let's hope that we get close and exciting games. After all, where’s the fun in a 5-0 tmg-esque stomping ground?
AiShou stalked around the front of the store, pacing nervously back and forth. “What if she doesn’t like it… What if it doesn’t look good…. What if…..” So many thoughts swirled around in his head, it was all too confusing for the 15 year old. He had been loitering around the shop, unsure of what to get her. She was so precious to him, helping him when he needed it the most, always being there for him, always guiding him whenever he did something wrong. This time, he wanted to be there for her, to be able to make her smile, just like she always made him in the most downcast of days. “I want to be able to make her laugh, make her smile, make her happy,” and with these thoughts in his head, he finally entered the store.
“Hello, how may i help you?”
He stopped cold in his tracks. He had finally mustered the courage to enter the store but he still had not an inkling about what he wanted to get her. Staring blankly at the plethora of flowers around him, he was spoilt for choices. “I’m looking for a gift, but i don’t know w...what to get…” AiShou stammered, tearing up just a tiny bit. The florist stared at him for a brief moment, and then got up to pat him on the back. “In the 10 years i’ve ran this store, i’ve seen that face many times. Come here, i’ll show you around!”
AiShou followed the florist to the back of the store, his curiosity piqued, and to his astonishment an enchanting garden was what greeted him. Why was there a garden behind the floral shop? More importantly, why was she bringing him here? As if she heard his questions, she replied calmly, “This garden wasn’t always here you know, i was inspired to create this flower bed because of one flower here…” As she spoke she gently caressed a blue flower, as if she was recalling fond memories. “This is a blue Salvia, it was here by its lonesome before i constructed this garden. Do you know what it signifies by any chance?” AiShou shook his head, as he gazed at the Salvia. The azure blue colour of the flowers really stood out amongst the other vibrant coloured flowers, as if the florist arranged the flowers to compliment the cluster of flowers. “Salvia’s significance is in the phrase, “I think of you”.” She smiled at him warmly, continuing her monologue, “My boyfriend was sent overseas by his parents, since they wanted him to become a doctor, and he slowly started to forget me here. I’ve never forgotten him though, and i prevented the Salvia’s from wilting away, as a way of preventing my memories from fading.”
All this time he was trying to find the right flower, trying to find the right answer through his gift. Why was the present important? What he wanted was to provide for her now, to be able to support her in her time of need, to be able to see her smile….. To be able to love her. He was worrying too much about what to give when the answer was right there to begin with. He would give her the present, but he will also make up her past, and provide for her future. “You know, even after all this though, you still need to get something for her… How about these Marjoram’s?” Written below the Marjoram’s were the significance of the flowers, which wrote, “Joy and happiness”. No need for sappiness, no need for sad feelings, no need for intense feelings of romance, for he would provide that for her; This flower was the one.
Making his purchase, he thanked the florist profusely and ran out of the store in search of her. He needed to see her, he needed to tell her everything. How could he have been so blind? She was everything to him, and she really needed to know this. In a flash, he arrived at the doorstep of her house. Guilt coursed through his veins as he clutched the Marjoram’s tightly, bracing himself for the moment.
“Excuse me, is Vonix here?”
As she opened the door, he was left speechless again. Vonix, seeing his brow dripping in sweat, felt that something was off. “Are you alright? Why do you look so flustered?” She inquired. Hearing her voice, he felt the need to say it, and to say it quick. Here goes nothing……
“I love you vonix! I’m sorry for all the times that i’ve made you sad, all the times i’ve made you worry, all the times i’ve made you angry. I just… i feel i need you with me! Without you i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel anymore…… Who would go out with me to catch a gory movie? Who would be with me till it was 4am in the morning, laughing about silly and dumb things? Who would care for me the way you do? Who would……”
She stopped him from talking, putting her finger on his lips. It was as if the world had stopped revolving, and everything came to a halt. They both gazed into each other’s eyes, his brimming with tears and hers with motherly tenderness. She took the Marjoram’s from his clammy hands, and proceeded with something AiShou had never expected in the slightest; A kiss.
“AiShou, i love you too…”
Today we're back looking at some of the 2 expected lower teams in Division 2, Dark Wolves E-Sports and Kachow Fan Club.
Maps played were cp_gullywash and cp_process, both in AFL SG servers. It would be fair to note that there was a significant ping disadvantage to the side of Dark Wolves, given that none of them had below 90 ping.
Dark Wolves E-Sports
Medic: Kr4tus (1st map) Haze (2nd Map)
Kachow Fan Club
Scout: himari (merc)
Before we go into what I can vaguely remember about both maps, this was honestly a pretty back and forth game purely off the back of both teams making TONS of mistakes. One of the funniest things I saw during the game was Fury's refusal to jump and Soap's controller-like aim. Uber trades always seemed to end in 1v1 fights distributed at different parts of the map, and holds were usually broken by players feeding accidentally.
The map started out with a pretty swift victory to Dark Wolves, taking mid and rolling it to last; a trend I'm seeing among Gullywash games actually. Interesting to note was that Peekaf ran sniper to mid the first round, though he didn't actually win that specific game for them. The next three rounds went to KFC in the span of 11 minutes, showing off fairly convincing aggression that worked off the amount of mistakes Dark Wolves was making.
During this part of the game, it was interesting to see the survivability of both medics was close to nil. Dmnator and LED put up a fairly good show in jumping Kr4tus and killing him post uber fights, but it was always after Aly had already died to Fury's 'waddle pocket' strategies. A lot of the ubers were centered around Fury just walking forward and ploughing out damage - customary to his old Cute Beast playstyle. However, I think having a lack of STRONG scout support did factor in a lot post pushes.
Not to diss Peekaf, of course. The man pulled a great show after they were knocked down 4 - 2 at the 16 minute mark. I'd go as far to say that the only reason that the Kr4tus team won was because Peekaf was able to break stalemates and get picks fairly effectively as sniper. He was making up for the damage the rest of his team wasn't doing, especially Soap who was 9/25 with 157 dpm - not great stats from a once celebrated pocket turned roamer.
It came down to the wire for Dark Wolves to tie the game, the last round going 12 minutes and only being capped with 18 seconds left. The intensity of the aggression and an upswing of mistakes from KFC (considering that several of their members love to feed or were always poorly positioned) led to a great momentum push in the last few minutes.
After the fairly close game of Gullywash, Kr4tus was replaced by Haze for whatever reason. The first round was probably the closest of the entire game, lasting about 10 minutes and constantly going back and forth between mid. Although, it wasn't really a controlled back and forth so to speak; most of the time it was because someone or other had died taking a dumb fight somewhere, and that ended up triggering a push from someone else, who either THEN died in a dumb fight or managed to successfully pull something off.
Props to himari during this game though; he was absolutely on fire with 7 medic picks, quite a few of them when Haze was surrounded by his teammates. In fact, in this first round alone himari killed Haze four times, allowing for largely more successful pushes out of KFC to eventually win a hard fought round at last.
Not much to say beyond that; honestly the game was really messy. The only point KFC got was off a dominating display by Fury and Soap, who were key in killing the enemy medic in critical points throughout the game; mostly off the fact that KFC kept whiffing pushes and getting caught in Dark Wolves' momentum.
Critically, Haze had 200 less heals per minute than his opponent, and Peekaf wasn't showing up to make the difference for his team, who SERIOUSLY lack in the damage department.
If you ask me, both teams are honestly pretty lacking, its just that DM wise KFC was a lot more consistent this game (except for a breakup in Gullywash that led to Dark Wolves tying up). Coordination is a BIG factor in why these two are so messy. Watching the game, I never even had an inkling of what the teams were trying to do; it was as though they were both PUG teams. There's little to no cohesion at mids, and holds always end up with random 1v1s breaking out. It's not even good 1v1s either; there's no logic to when they fight, they would just fight because they felt like it or something.
Based off the Gullywash game (which I consider a better example of the faceoff between these two teams), Dmnator and LED have some potential as soldiers, since they did match up against the experience of Fury fairly well. Both medics could stand to gain a pair of surfing shoes, as their survivabilty post fight and even when they see the roamer coming is pretty bad... One-third of each of the medics deaths were within 20s after Uber, if you look at the logs.
There's definitely room for improvement on either side. There's no fixing the problems that either team has except to scrim more and discuss the issues with each other, because as far as I can see both teams have 0 chemistry.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch both games, jumping into the server only when the 2nd map of Gullywash had just started. Most unfortunately, the game was played on an AsiaFortress HK server, so there aren't any logs available. Sad! Admins should fix that shit.
This Team (It's AMC)
Muscle Revolution (REBORN)
The game started out fairly even, with the Japanese picking up a fairly quick round (off stream). In the beginning at any rate, it was fairly even between the two teams, going back and forth to each other's last several times. The first two rounds that were picked up were entirely attributed to natto and ozr, who dominated the first half of the game with insane 3Ks. For a while, it seemed as though they could do no wrong.
I'm usually of the opinion that a team with a stronger scout combo is usually the victorious team, and natto and ozr supported my theory for about 15 minutes or so. They made great flanks to force and even drop the medic once or twice, and kept up constant pressure by running all over AMCs combo.
However, this obviously didn't last, because scouts usually require their soldiers to open things up for them, or support them in their flanking endeavours, and Tusic and bongera stopped showing up after a while. More than that though, Oro, one of Asia's more well-known DM scouts, started to shut them out by carefully watching the flanks and simply NOT LOSING 1v1s in dumb situations. Without the ability to flank and outmaneuver the enemy, the Japanese scouts lost their power and consequentially, the entire fragging power of their team.
Now, with scouts shut out of the fights, RY4N and Killer could really go to town with the bombs. Every fight was a repetition of Tusic or bongera dying early, natto and ozr attempting to turn things around but getting shut out, and RY4N and/or Killer jumping in to clean everyone else up.
The scoreline went from 1 - 2 to 7 - 2 in AMCs favour within the last 15 minutes, putting AMC confidently ahead of their Japanese competition, proving that you need more than two capable scouts to win a game. While old-timers natto and ozr did prove themselves as highly capable scouts (especially since they somehow just kept getting behind), they just couldn't do anything once they started getting shut out, and clearly RY4N and Killer were outclassing bongera and Tusic in the soldier department.
Aqua felt cold, an odd thing to feel when you were in the middle of the city. He was still wet and shivering from the horrifying tsunami, plus he was sure that he was bleeding from his stomach. Although the blood flow had slowed down, the wound was still stinging painfully. It had been nearly ninety minutes since the couple had phoned Floaty but there was no sign of a rescue; Aqua believed from the deepest heart that he would come for them. Before he came, Aqua had a job, and that was to keep Aishou safe.
"H-how are you holding up?" Aqua asked the equally cold but still charming boy beside him.
"My eyes are not hurting as much now," Aishou answered, still sobbing a bit and weighted by anxiety.
"I'm going to try and open them now, can you check them?"
"Sure," Aqua replied, a little scared of what he might see.
"Ok." Aishou took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes and it took all of Aqua's mental strength not to gasp;
The whites of his eyes had little cuts across the eyeballs and the pupils were fixed in a small dilation thus not adapting to a dark environment. There were no two ways about it that Aishou was blind but Aqua just hoped that everything would be fine.
"How do they look?" Aishou asked in an uncertain and pained voice, having his eyes opened was really uncomfortable at the moment.
"Beautiful." Aqua glossed over.
"When we get to the hospital, I promise they'll fix you up. I bet Floaty knows a great eye doctor."
"But what if I'm stuck l-like this?" Aishou asked, beginning to shiver.
"Don't talk like that, it'll be OK," Aqua assured, his teeth starting to chatter.
"But what if I'm blind forever, what's going to happen to me?" Aishou panicked, too cold to cry.
Aqua embraced the boy he adored to share some of his body heat and spoke softly, "If you're blind, we'll deal with it. Your parents, my family, our friends will be there for you and I'll be with you all the way; I'll be your eyes I promise you."
"A-Aqua…" Aishou sobbed. Despite freezing, he felt warm, like sunlight shining on his heart. He slowly raised his hands to find Aqua's face, caressing the blood stained cheeks and guided him in for a kiss. Time slowed down, feeling like an eternity for the couple even though their lips were ice cold.
The kiss ended and the pair stayed wrapped in each other's arms, both of them shuddering from the low temperature. Their bodies were succumbing to hypothermia; their clothes were still drenched, coupled with the wet environment. It's toll on their already wounded and tired bodies, and unbeknown to the couple, their bodies were beginning to shut down.
"I-it was a wonderful date though." Aishou forced a smile.
"Yeah,…it was like a dream," Aqua replied, his voice growing tired.
"Aqua, are you alright?" Aishou fretted, noticing how tired his boyfriend sounded.
"It's ok…I'm just a little sleepy," Aqua answered. His body was going numb, no longer feeling the pain in his stomach.
"No, Aqua stay awake! Don't go to sleep! Don't leave me!" Aishou cried, shaking Aqua to stir him. Just then, the sound of sticky jumper came to his attention; it was really close. "Floaty!" Aishou realized.
"Aqua wake up, the rescue team is here!"
There was no response. Aqua was breathing but not steadily; his body was trembling; he was going into shock. The sound of the sticky jumper landing on the roof blocked out Aishou's pleas "I beg you, please wake up!"
The whole 'facing a pack of lions' thing still stands.
My stomach wont stay still and my heart is going at 5000 km/h. I spot his house as I turn a corner. I could easily turn back now, let him go and let him move on…whilst regretting not saying anything for the rest of my days.
Walking up to his front door, I pause before I let my fist hit the door. Looking through the window, I see him sitting on the stool. He's flicking through an old photo album that I remember giving to him because he wouldn't shut up about having no where to put his photographs. I smile at the thought and then it hits me : I was going to do was simply stupid. He's going to the EU and its not like I can stop him. Sighing in defeat, I let my fist drop to my side and turn away. Its all for the best...
Turing, I see him standing in the door way. Stupid mental thoughts. Too preoccupied to hear him.
"Hey. I just wanted to say bye." Turing back, I close my eyes and mentally hit myself. I could have thought of something better to say, couldn't I?
"Don't go." Stopping, and making sure I heard him right, I turn back to face him.
"Just come in. You're freezing and wet." I follow him into the house as he closes the door. "Give me your coat. I'll go get a towel for your hair." He walks into the kitchen, leaving me standing there. I walk into the sitting room and glance at the photo album. It was full of pictures from when we were at the beach last summer. I smile as I look at the one of me and K1lled. I have that one too. The better days. "I got you a coffee too."
"Thanks," I mumble, taking a sip then cursing as it burnt my tongue.
"Really?" I mentally shout at myself as I see the look on his face
"Why did you call me in? Its not like we're the best of friends now."
"You're always going to be my best friend."
"Yeah, you made that so clear these past few days."
"Why not? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't react like this?"
"Because I need to explain myself."
"You don't have to explain. I get it. You don't love me like I love you. I can accept that. I got it crystal clear in the café."
I could already feel my throat tightening as the words came tumbling out.
"I didn't mean to be like that."
"Of course you didn't mean to give me the cold shoulder."
"I was confused."
"I don't care if you were confused. How do you think I've been feeling?" He steps back away from me in shock.
"Don't make this any worse for me than it already is."
"Enlighten me K1lled. How can this be bad for you?"
"Because I'm not sure what I feel for you." What a way to shut me up. He was always good at that. I sit on the couch as he sits opposite me. "I was shocked and confused, so I shut everyone out until I could sort myself out first. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect for my best friend to turn around to me and say she loved me. And for 2 years too. And my girlfriend of 2 years had just told me she loved my brother. Can you see where I'd get slightly confused?"
"Ev.... I could deal with. There had always been this nagging thought in the back of my mind that she felt something for Itache. But I never wanted to develop that thought because things seemed to be going so well. 2 years and we were going to grow old together..... But then…then you said you loved me…and everything started spinning."
You want to know something that's spinning right now? My mind.
"What if those 2 years had been a waste? Why didn't I play on my first thoughts? Why didn't I see the signs? Why did I keep ignoring them?"
"K1lled, what are you talking about?" Ignoring my question, he carries on.
"I didn't love her at the start. I began to love her. Or maybe it wasn't her that I fell in love with. Maybe it was the idea of someone being there. It wasn't her to begin with, but I ignored it, hoping it would go away, but it didn't. It just stayed there in the back of my brain…in the back of my heart…dormant."
"You know when we became friends?"
"There was one thing that I always kept from you."
"What?" I ask quietly, hesitant of hearing his reply.
"That I loved someone, and it wasn't ev." What a way to cheer me up K1lled, tell me that there was someone else too. What a way to repair my broken heart.
"I don't want to know K1lled." I feel the tears prick my eyes as I stand up. "If you think this is helping me, then you're wrong, so wrong. How can it help me to tell me that there was someone else you loved too?"
"You might want to know," K1lled replied, standing up to meet me.
"I don't think so."
"Its someone you know."
"That makes me feel a million times better."
"Someone you know extremely well."
"Why, this is the best news I've had all year," I reply, half sarcastically, and half about to break down.
"Smiley." The softness of his voice shuts me up. "Remember that mousepad I got you for your birthday?" I nod. "Don't you think it was a bit too much for someone who was only meant to be a friend?"
"I thought you were being nice."
"Too nice," he laughs. "That cost me a fortune. To get it I didn't spend nearly as much on ev as I wanted."
"Nice move…the whole guilt trip thing."
"I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to make you realise. I've always spent more time with you than I have ev. I always put you before her when it should be the other way around. If you ask, I come running. If you cry, I want to be the shoulder you do it on. If you laugh, I have to be there to hear it because my day isn't right if I don't hear it."
"K1lled…what are you-"
"Don't you get it Smiley? I didn't until after the café. It was you all along. I loved ev because she was someone who could be there. I loved ev because I couldn't come to terms with the fact I loved my best friend, my girlfriends sister." I drop the coffee mug I'm holding. "Isn't that a laugh? I love my best friend who is my ex-girlfriends sister and my brother loves her too."
For some reason, I have a weird deja vu vibe.
"I want to say sorry for not saying anything. I didn't know you felt like that. I'll understand if you cant stand the sight of me after what I put you through, but after 2 years, I felt like I had to tell you. Because in my opinion, its 2 years too late and I couldn't wait any longer."
I could pinch myself right now just to check that this isn't a dream.
"Please, just say something Smiley."
Oh god, help me say something that makes sense. Anything, just something he can understand.
"Four words. Just say them to me and I wont leave. I wont go to the EU."
"But that's what you want. For the past 2 years that's where you've wanted to go."
"But I want you more." I smile as a tear slides down my cheek.
"Say it to me. Those words."
"I love you K1lled."
I smile as more tears roll down my face. "So god damn much." I laugh and throw my arms around him, hanging on for dear life, crying into his shoulders
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
To shed tears for the one I love is only natural.
"I love you too." I feel him smile against my neck. "So god damn much." He laughs as he pulls away to face me. His smile…Leaning forward, he places those lips on mine. This is what I've been waiting for. And so I swear to god, I will not waste this moment
He kissed me and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingled. I ran my fingers down K1lled's spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us. I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest.
We are one
Oh my dear god. I feel like the AFC 11 Div 2 GF is replaying in my mind.
"Smiley. Are you okay?" Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is Itache. That's enough to sober anyone up. Shooting up I look around the room, only to clutch my head in pain.
"No wonder. You hit your head pretty hard." I look at him and raise an eyebrow.
"Well done Sherlock."
"Listen, you need to speak to K1lled."
"I cant deal with this right now. In case you haven't noticed, I feel like the earth is exploding in my head! I cant deal with K1lled too."
"He's leaving tomorrow. Its now or never."
"I thought you hated K1lled."
"I…Its hard to explain."
"We have another hour." Itache looked at me and sighed.
"You'll hate me."
"You don't think that I already do?"
"I …I hated him because of how close he was to you. He got as close to you as I wanted to be. And I hated him for it. And I hated him because you loved him and not me."
"Don't. You wanted him and not me, so I hated him because I couldn't hate you. When I came back, and I saw how you were still madly in love with him, that you were willing to repress your own feelings for his sake...... it hit me how much I still loved you. "
"I might have said that I was over you, but I was far from it. I knew ev cared for me before I left, so I…I decided to take you back. K1lled didn't deserve you, even as just a friend. So I told ev I loved her and told her to break up with K1lled.
"She didn't agree. So I told her that you loved him. Then she hated you. You always got everything and she had the one thing that you couldn't have. Yet you still wanted it. Revenge is sweet isn't it. So she told K1lled. Maybe not how I planned but she still told him. And then he hated you. Ev got hurt but it was something I'd deal with later. But now…I want you to talk with K1lled because you're hurting. I cant stand to see you like this and if being with K1lled makes you happy, I've just got to accept it."
This must be the first time I've been rendered speechless.
"I…I don't know what to say. I…why?"
"People do stupid things when they're in love." As much as I hate to admit it, he was right.
"What time is he leaving tomorrow?"
"Okay, that gives me enough time to get my act together and see him."
"Five am Smiles."
"What?!" Leaping up from the chair, trying to ignore my headache, I reach for my bag and my coat, stuffing my letter in its pocket.
"What time is it?"
"Eleven! Where the hell is my mum? And ev?"
"Your mums car broke down, she called about half an hour ago, and ev is at k1tty's."
"I cant do this."
"You can. You love him."
"But does he love me?" Itache was silent. "I cant do it again. I cant go through it."
"Then do it so you can make sure."
"How the hell am I going to get through this?"
"You're Smiley. You'll think of a way." I smile at him.
"Don't be. Without you, he might not know, and I might not be doing this for another two years. Maybe never."
I look at him once last time before I leave the house. This is the last time I might ever speak to him. This is the last chance I'll get to tell him how I feel.
I would so much rather be facing a pack of lions.
If this is what depression feels like, then just kill me now. I haven't K1lled in two days. His anniversary with ev is tomorrow and he hasn't been seen since ev told him about Itache. Hell, we don't even know if this anniversary is still going ahead. They haven't said to each other they're splitting up, but from the looks of it, it seems to be a silent, mutual ending.
But that's not what's depressing me. He won't return my calls. When I go to his house, he is never in. I've taken to eating at least 4 tubs of ice cream a day and numerous packets of crisps. I haven't seen Itache either. But I am not complaining about that.
I wish this had gone differently. Or not at all. I'm not bothered which.
My best friend hates me. He doesn't love me. God I hate those 4 words in the same sentence. I didn't want to hurt him. Far from that. I thought I was protecting him. And yeah, me at the same time, I admit it. But its not like I thought about me and only me. If I had done that I would have told him a long time ago.
Ev is…well…strange. Its like she's in limbo. She hasn't heard from Itache or K1lled. And even if I do feel slightly sorry for her, I blame her for all of this. She deserves to be broken like this. She cant have both of them. She cant love both of them. Life cant be perfect like that. And its her fault me and K1lled are like this. She just had to tell him didn't she? She just had to. She couldn't help but bring me down with her. If she couldn't have Itache or K1lled, then neither could I.
That brings me to this moment. I'm sitting in the café, drinking free coffee from ifon because he feels sorry for me. I'm not complaining. I get doughnuts too.
"It'll work out in the end," ifon says as he puts another doughnut in front of me and sits down. "K1lled just needs time to get his head around things."
"But its like he's just fallen off the face of the earth. I can't talk to him, he's never at home and he hasn't contacted me. I just…I feel so bad. Doesn't he realise what he's doing to me too?"
"Hey, his girlfriend has just broken his heart and walked all over it and his best friend has just turned around and told him she has loved him for the past 2 years. It's a lot to get your head around."
"I love the way you're so blunt," I say sarcastically. Ifon just shrugs his shoulders and goes off to serve someone else. With my head on my arms, I try to not cry. The bell on the door jingles, signalling someone else coming in, but I don't care. I reach for my coffee but I stop. My heart beat increases ten-fold and I sit up.
He's there. Standing in the door way, looking at me. I stand up and he doesn't move. He looks so rough. He comes towards me and stands on the other side of the table.
"K1lled. I want to sa-"
"Don't, Smiley. I've just came to say I'm leaving for the EU early. I wont be here for graduation…or your birthday. I just felt like I had to say goodbye."
"Its for the best."
"You just cant go and expect everything to right itself." As much as I love him and feel sympathetic towards him, I want him to feel at least some part of my pain. "You ignore me for 2 days after I open my heart out and then show up and say 'goodbye, I'm off, I'm not sorry for crushing your heart'. You cant do that K1lled. It isn't fair. Please."
"It isn't fair? What about me?"
"What about me?!" Terrific, I'm making a scene in the café. "Do you know what you're doing to me?"
I never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, leaving no smears or streaks. I wished I had; then I could have done it in front of people, at this very instant. Instead I can feel my nostrils filling with snot as tears start to tumble down.
"Sorry." The tone of his voice kills me. I cant take it anymore. I lift my coat and push past him. I leave, not looking back. The hot tears fall down my face. Its raining again. My coat doesn't leave my hand as I don't bother putting it on.
The sensible, 'I-accept-reality' part of my brain tells me to get over it. He's moving to the EU and he doesn't love me. But the part of my brain that dreams, and my heart, is telling me not to let go. Its been too long to forget.
God damn it. Why did things end up like this?
"Smiley, are you okay honey?"
"Yeah mum," I lie. She gives me a worried look as she takes another glance at my damp clothing.
"I'm worried about you Smiley. And ev. And K1lled too. Is something going on between you three?"
I don't deign to respond
"Right. Ev is shopping so she should be back soon. I'm going to get the shopping for the week. I'll be back in about two hours."
Moments after she left, the doorbell starts to ring. I open the door and anger floods through me.
"We need to talk."
"No we don't." I try to close the door but he sticks his foot in the way. He's known for putting his foot in it now.
"We do. K1lled is leaving and you need to stop him." I loosen my grip on the door in shock and he steps in. "I take it he's told you from the look on your face."
"Yeah. He found me at the café."
"You cant let him leave like this."
"Excuse me? None of this is my fault. Its all yours and ev's."
"He's more upset over you." Now I'm really confused.
"Why would he care? Its not like he feels the same way."
"Your still his best friend." I stayed silent. "Listen, I know we don't get along that well, but you need to talk to him."
"I cant, every time I do, its ends up one of us walking away. He doesn't feel the same way. I cant keep trying anymore. I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I cant have my heart stood on anymore."
"Has he said he doesn't love you?"
"He said he couldn't do it."
"He couldn't do it then. He couldn't let you talk to him about how much you love him. He doesn't want to go to the EU as much as he did. Wonder why?" I was silent again. "He can leave this town. He can leave his family, he can even leave his love ev, but there's one thing that he doesn't want to leave." My heart becomes lighter, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
"He doesn't want to leave you."
The last thing I see is the ground
I should have left. I still have a chance. I can get away and wait until this blows over. But no. I haven't moved.
Ev phoned K1lled and he said he was coming over. Then I sat on the couch and haven't moved since. Most definitely an idiot.
So here I am, ev sitting opposite me, and we're waiting for K1lled. I have no idea how I'm going to handle this situation. I wish this is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up before K1lled gets here.
"What do I do after this? " ev says. I look up at ev, her head is in her hands.
"What do you mean? What am I going to do after this? My best friend is about to find out that I've loved him for 2 years."
"My boyfriend is about to find out I love his brother but I still love him."
Yeah, she wins.
"Just tell him straight out. It's the easiest way."
"How did I get myself into this situation?"
"You cant help who you fall in love with." My heart beats increasing. Its either nerves or anticipation. K1lled is going to know.
Oh dear god. I'm going to need a miracle. Ev stands up and smooths down her dress. She walks to the door and rests her hand on the snip. She breaths in and opens the door. K1lled takes off his umbrella and steps in. The way he looks. That warmth in his eyes makes me fall in love with him all over again. But I know that in a matter of minutes, that warmth is going to be shattered. How?
I just do.
"What's wrong ev? Smiley?"
"Sit down K1lled," ev says. I move over and make room for him on the couch.
"There's something wrong, isn't there?"
"I need to tell you something K1lled." That pang of sympathy I felt for ev before in the café has come back even greater. She's torn between two loves and she's got to tell her boyfriend.
"You're worrying me ev."
"Its about Smiley." I see anger flicker across K1lled's face.
"What's he done now?"
"Its not just him…its…its me too." Roxas moves back slightly, confused. "You see…I…I…" I sense she's about to cry. I feel like I shouldn't be here. "I…I love him."
In my head, I hear a great 'crack' sound. I'm sure I heard K1lled heart break. He doesn't move, he doesn't blink, its like he's frozen.
"Please, K1lled. I love you, so much, please believe me. I just…I love him too. Its hard to explain-"
"It isn't," K1lled whispers. "Just tell me, how long?"
"Since he left."
"So you led me on, all this time?" I could hear the anger rise in his voice.
"No, never. I love you."
"You cant love us both."
"I can. But I'm not the only one."
"I'm not the only one that loves you." Crap. Now its my turn. "Ask Smiley." I cant look at him. I feel his eyes on me but I cant face him.
"Smiley?" he whispers. "What does she mean?" The finale. Judgement day. Armageddon.
"I…I love you." I feel the weight on the couch lessen. He's standing up.
"I…" You're killing me K1lled. Why aren't you saying anything? Why are you standing up?
I look at him as he walks out the door into the rain, not bothering to pull his hood up or pick up his umbrella.
"Smiley." I ignore my sister. I'm in a tank top and sweatpants and slippers but I don't care. I run out into the rain after him.
"K1lled!" He ignores me and keeps going. "Please K1lled!" No answer. "Why are you ignoring me?" He stops and I run straight into him. He doesn't make a move. Broken. "K1lled," I whisper.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We're best friends."
"That's just it. Best friends. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't tell you and risk losing you."
"But still, I would've understood." I let out a shot laugh.
"Your best friend would've just told you she had been in love with you for the past 2 years."
"But you love ev. My sister for Christ's sake." I didn't think it would be this hard. Love seems so simple. It can be the greatest thing in the world or it can cause the greatest amount of pain. "I couldn't do that to her, to you, to me. I couldn't tell you and then risk losing you. It would've been too hard."
"And it isn't now? Didn't you think about how I would feel?"
"Of course I did, I-"
"No. You just thought about what it would be like for you. It takes two to tango Smiley. There's always someone else, you just didn't bother thinking about me."
"You don't understand, K1lled."
"Of course I don't!" I knew he'd hate me. It's all over. "My best friend, someone I trust , doesn't bother to tell me she's in love with me."
"K1lled! I'm in love with my best friend who loves my sister! That's why I couldn't tell you!" This is too complicated. I feel the tears in my eyes. The more this conversation goes on, the more I realise he doesn't love me back. "I love you! I love you! I love you! Please K1lled. Please believe me."
"I cant." A tear rolls down his cheek. "I cant do any of this right now."
"I'm sorry, I cant."
He turns away.
The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child and I look toward the sky, as if the raindrops could soothe me. There is static in my head once more, the side effect of my broken self that I live with. I hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give. That's the way it is with this kind of love. It's like a theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.
He doesn't love me.
As he walks away, I feel like he's taken my heart with him, only for him to throw it away.
He doesn't love me.
The rain. I cant feel it anymore. So numb as the tears wont stop coming.
He doesn't love me.
He doesn't love me.
He's gone and my heart is broken.
He doesn't love me.
I feel like I'm waiting for a bus. And on this oncoming bus is an executioner coming to hack my head off with a blunt axe.
In other words, I'm sitting on the couch, staring at a blank television screen and I'm waiting for ev to get back and murder me. Isn't life fun?
I hear a car pull up outside. I look out the window and see a taxi and ev getting out. I sit back down on the couch and she walks in. She dumps her umbrella down. Her eyes then meet with mine.
"What are you doing here?" I notice a venomous tinge to her voice.
"I live here too."
"Wish you didn't," I hear her mutter. Cow.
"Where have you been?"
"None of your business."
"Ah, I should've guessed. Been with Itache have you?" She straightens up and looks straight at me. "No retort?"
"Know what?" Feigning innocence. You idiot ev.
"About you and K1lled."
"There isn't anything between K1lled and I."
"You know what I mean. You love K1lled, even though he's with me."
"What does it matter? You don't love K1lled anymore. You cant. You love Itache." Namine's mouth thinned, but only for a moment.
"Don't be stupid Kairi."
"So you didn't mean it when you said to Itache that you loved him at the end of school today?" She didn't reply. "Your 2 year anniversary with K1lled is in 3 days in case you hadn't noticed, yet you're saying 'I love you' to the wrong person. Do you love K1lled?"
"There are no buts Namine. You cant love them both. You have to chose."
"What if I don't want to? If I let K1lled go, then you'll get him."
"But you'll have Itache."
"No, Smiley. I may love Itache and he may say that he loves me but he never will. It will always be you! If I let K1lled go, it'll be you and him in the end. And yeah, maybe I will be with Itache, but he'll never get over you."
"He doesn't need to tell me anything Smiley! I may not be the brightest person but I'm not dumb. The way he looks at you, the way he acts around you. Every time I tell him I love him or bring the subject up, he changes it or ignores what I said. And I know what happened on your 14. I saw you two in the Garden. Yeah, I had said to K1lled I loved him, but I knew I could never have Itache. And I was right, wasn't I? In the Garden, he told you he loved you, didn't he? I could tell. It was so obvious. But you turned him down, and I never bothered to think about why. I just thought you didn't love him and that was it. But now I know. I cant let K1lled go. I cant lose both of them to you."
"You wont lose K1lled to me. He loves you."
"I can fucking tell Smiley. He doesn't. Well, not as much anymore. When he found out he was moving to the EU, he realised he didn't want to leave this place. He had something to stay behind for. And it isn't me."
"We're just friends. Haven't you wondered why I haven't said anything? Nothing could happen between us." I can feel my voice breaking.
"No. I love him still. As much as I did when I first said it, even more. But I love Itache just as much too."
"Then decide ev."
"No! Because either way I still lose to you and I wont let that happen!"
"But you'll end up breaking both of their hearts instead of just one! Which is better ev? To love and be loved in return, or love but be hated by those you care so much about?"
"Don't you lecture me on this!"
"Ev. You have to decide. K1lled or Smiley?" Ev is silent. She looks as though she's on the brink of tears. Well, my theory was spot on, k1tty will be proud.
"Why didn't you tell me you loved K1lled?"
"Because you were with him."
"You should've told me."
"Maybe. But I couldn't. Things were…comfortable. It seemed daft to ruin it all."
"But you love him."
"My image of true love being perfect when down the toilet 2 years ago. When I fell in love with K1lled, I realised there was no going back. Maybe it isn't the perfect, ideal true love, but its buried so deep inside me now, I don't want to let go." Ev walks over to the phone, picking it up. "What are you doing?"
"I need to talk to K1lled." I scramble past the couch and try to reason with her. "I cant keep this up anymore, loving two people. Two brothers. And you…he deserves to know."
"Ev, please. Things are fine the way they are. Just give yourself time to figure stuff out and then I'll be there to give my shoulder to whoever needs to cry on it."
"No, Smiley." She dials the number and I wait. He's not meant to find out, especially over a phone. "Hi, K1lled. Its ev. Yeah, everything's fine. Listen, I need you to come round. We have to talk."
Crap and double crap. Oh dear god help me. I think my brain is about to burst. Is there a doctor in the house? Because I, Smiley the Roamer, am going to need one by the time tonight is over.
I'm walking home and its starting to rain. I'm drenched from head to toe. But do I care?
I cant believe that twerp told ev. I could kill him. Kill him and then raise him from the dead just so I could do it all over again. I hate him.
Well, ev is going to hate me now. But she loves Itache. That's all the proof I need. But is K1lled going to believe me or the love of his life?
Somewhere, very deep, deep, deep, deep down inside of me, I feel a tiny pang of sympathy for ev. She's torn between two people that she loves. But how long has she loved Itache for? Did she just fall for K1lled because he was a replacement? That tiny pang of sympathy goes when I think about ev using K1lled. All this is getting so complicated.
I stop outside the café that K1lled and I love. Its still raining and I'm drenched. I decided to go inside and grab a coffee. I need time to sit and think.
Sitting at the usual table, I order a coffee and a doughnut. With my head in my hands, I try to think of a battle plan. The most obvious plan is to tell K1lled. But then he might not believe me and hate me for it. Then again, he might listen and split up with ev, and at the same time, give his brother a very bad beating.
The other option is that I don't say anything to him. The relationship could carry on and he remains oblivious to ev's other feelings and she gets over K1lled. Or she might tell him herself and he will dump her but hate me because I knew but didn't say anything.
"Here's your order ev." I look up and see Ifon standing there with my food and a sympathetic look on his face. "What's wrong?"
"It must be something because you look like a depressed rat that's tried to drown itself."
"Thanks for that analogy."
"Where's K1lled? It seems strange seeing one without the other."
"I don't know. I think he went home."
"Tell me what it is Smiley." I look at him as he sits down opposite me. I have to tell someone. I need help. I need exp mentorship.
"You cant tell a soul what I'm about to tell you. Promise me."
"I promise." I take a deep breath.
"I'm in love with K1lled." Ifon just stares at me. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting.
"What do you mean 'and?'?"
"Its so obvious. I mean, you two are like joined at the hip. It was inevitable that this would happen between you two. Shame that he's with ev." I bang my head on the table. "Mind the woodwork."
"I don't know what to do."
"It isn't that simple."
"You know K1lled's brother, Itache?" Ifon nodded. "He's back in town and ev has fallen in love with Itache. Its most likely she was in love with him before he left but he wasn't interested then. He had his heart set on someone else. So she fell in love with K1lled, but secretly not forgetting about Itache. So when he turns up again, all the old feelings come back. Now, with K1lled and ev's 2 year anniversary coming up, ev has told Itache she loves him but she still loves K1lled too. Now ev knows I love K1lled and she's probably going to hate me forever. Well, that's my 'theory' anyway."
"Holy surfs. No wonder you look depressed. But this is just a 'theory'."
"Yeah, but from everything I know, this is probably what's happening." Ifon raised his hand.
"LERL, get me a coffee and an espresso for Smiley. Actually, make that last one a double." Ifon turned back to me. "So, what is it your worried about?" I let out a short laugh.
"Haven't you been listening Julianne? I'm worried about what Itache might do next, what ev is going to think and how K1lled might react if he finds out about all this." I bang my head on the table one again. "I'm having a life crisis and I'm not even 16."
"Listen Smiley ," Ifon said to me as lerl put down the cups. "I think you need to tell K1lled before it spirals out of control."
"Why does everyone say that? I cant tell my best friend I love him when he's in love with my sister!"
"Can you see any other options?"
"Yeah. Let it carry on and watch what happens." I gulp down the espresso, I burns my throat but I don't care. "I have to go. I should speak to ev."
"Fine. But I still think-"
"That I should tell K1lled, I know. Wish me luck ifon."
"I think you're going to need more than luck."
"I know. I just didn't want to voice that fact out loud. It kind of removes what hope I had of coming out of this unscathed."
Wednesday. 4 days to go until I turn 16 and 3 days until their anniversary. 3 days is all I have to see whether ev is cheating with Itache. I think I'm going a bit to far with this, but I don't want to see K1lled heart broken.
K1tty has been a great help. In just a day, she found them walking along the beach together. Okay, maybe that doesn't signal that they're doing the 'naught monkey dance' together (her analogy, not mine), but it still stirs up some questions. Like why the hell is ev walking along the beach with Itache when she's only ever done that with K1lled? Except when she and I were kids, but it stopped when ev fell into the hole I was digging. It's a long and embarrassing story and I'm missing the point here.
So, here I am, Wednesday morning, standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for ev, meanwhile K1lled and Itache are sitting on the couch. And the tension in the room is oh so high. K1lled and Itache aren't taking, ev is making us late (no change there then) and I'm drifting off into random day dreams where K1lled and I are married with lots of children.
"So…" Itache says. He's trying to break the silence but it clearly isn't working. All he gets is a glare from K1lles. "What's your problem?" Oh joy to the world, here we go again.
"Nothing. What's your problem?" As much as I love him, that retort was as good as ifon's maincalling. (Not at all good in case you didn't get my point.) Itache starts laughing.
"Nice come back. Can't you do any better?" And now Itache is asking for trouble. This proves he deserves the Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot nickname I gave him. I came up with it whilst watching King Arthur. The one with Kiera Knightley, and I'm going off the point again.
"I'm not in the mood Itache," was K1lled simple reply.
"Because you know you cant beat me." I saw K1lled's' fists clench. He looked as if he might destroy another keyboard again. "Hit a nerve?" Hell yeah he has. K1lled and Itache had this thing about competing against each other. Itache's recent championship only proved his point.
"What if I don't want to? MGE me bro " Great. Its not even 9 o'clock and they're starting a fight. Itache stands up and I stop leaning against the handrail. Last time they got into a fight, a vase was broken and my mum flipped. I do not want that happening again. Its was over 2 years ago but my mum still hasn't got over it. K1lled followed suit and stood eye-to-eye with Itache.
"Erm, guys, lets just forget about this," I say as I walk up to them. "Now is not the time for a fight of the egos."
"Aww, is your best friend saving you from another airshot K1lled? How cute."
"Don't you dare, Itache," K1lled spat.
"Come on you two. That's enough. We have to get to school." I hear ev coming down the stairs. Oh fab.
"Here comes your girlfriend. Don't want her to see you losing another mge match. I've only won like all of them"." Itache bent down and picked up his bag. K1lled steps towards him but I force him back.
"Get lost now, Itache," I tell him. "There will be no fighting in this house."
"Whatever." He grabs his bag and walks out.
"Jerk," I mutter.
"Totally." I turn and look at K1lled, he has a slight smile on his face. "Such a tosser. I cant believe I'm related to him." I laugh slightly.
"Where's Itache gone?" We turn and see ev at the bottom of the stairs.
I was having a moment with K1lled there, didn't she notice!!!??? And she doesn't even say hello. The nerve.
"He's went to school. And good morning to you too ev." I look back at Roxas. What a week for firsts. He's never spoken to ev like that. Usually he's all lovey dovey. Maybe they're on the rocks. I mean a baity pocket and trash talking medic together for 2 years, it can get pretty dull after the honeymoon period is over.
"Hey K1lled." She walks over to him and pecks him on the cheek. Not the usual kiss on lips. Erm, parallel universe anyone?
"Whatever. Lets just go." Now, this is just wrong. When did I enter a worm hole?
"So, any more news?"
"Smiley, you're obsessed. Its only lunch time. They've been in lessons. I think you need to take a break, you don't wanna get kachowed."
"If K1lled found out that ev was cheating and I knew then he'll hate me."
"But she might not be."
"I know but-"
"Listen Smiley, I'm telling you this because I'm your friend and I think you need to chill on this whole K1lled thing. Either tell him and get it out in the open, or forget about him. Its been two years. Maybe you should just erase him out your life for good. You don't need him to make it to Div 1."
"Think about it Smiley. It might be for the best."
Damn you k1tty. You choose your moments to have a point.
The day is finally over, thank the heavens, and I'm on my way to my locker. Nothing strange happening, at least I hope so.
History book, Maths book, EXP Mentorship books (got no idea why I took that) and English crap. I'll be busy tonight. Closing my locker, I turned around and headed towards the exit. Then I hear voices.
Now if I were a normal sane person I would probably turn around and ignore it. But due to the fact I can be very nosey, I decide to eavesdrop. Good think I do.
"Listen ev, why don't you just leave him?"
"I love him."
"But you say you love me. You cant love both of us."
"I know you don't like your brother, but I don't want to break his heart."
"That's going to happen anyway. Sooner rather than later is best."
"I don't know."
"Listen ev, tell him. If you love me like you say you do then do it for me. I am the superior pocket."
"But do you love me Itache?"
"I have to tell you something. Its about Smiley."
"What about her? She doesn't matter in this."
"She kind of does. The thing is. She loves K1lled. And she has for the past two years."
I turn and leave. Damn my noseyness. Well, at least now I know that there's something going on between ev and Itache. But now she knows I love K1lled. Crap.
This ship has finally sunk.
I didn't have the heart to K1lled what I though was going on. He seemed so besotted with ev at the time, I couldn't bare to see him heart broken. So I kept it to myself. I was a master at that now as I had kept my love hidden for 2 years.
So for the next 2 days, I kept it all inside. But every time I saw Ev and Itache talking or walking together, I felt an anger flood through me. How could she cheat on K1lled? How could she be prepared to break his heart?
Okay Smiley, calm down. You still don't know the facts. It was time for me to go detective!
And I also need to stop hanging around with k1tty so much.
So its decided. I wont K1lled anything until I find out if there is anything going on between ev and Itache. That sounds like a good plan. And I know the perfect person to help me with this.
"Come on, k1tty."
"No! I cant spy on ev and Itache."
"Keep your voice down. And it wouldn't be spying exactly. Its more like…keeping an eye open for them when they are alone together and seeing if they do anything that friends shouldn't do."
"Still spying Smiley. You're really not good at this."
"Thanks k1tty. But I really need your help."
"Why is this seeming more and more like Big Brother?"
"Fine, fine. The things I do for you Smiley. When you and K1lled get married I demand to be Maid of Honour."
"Fine, you can-What?!"
"Never mind Smiley. So all I have to do is keep an eye open for them?"
"Cool. Operation 'look out for blondie and Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot' commences." I groan and smack a hand to my forehead. Oh to be that sea urchin.
The beach. My favourite place on the entire Island. I come here to think, try and sort my mind out. Unfortunately, of late it has been failing miserably. I share this place with him. So its not surprising that when I turned the corner I found him sitting on the dock, staring out to sea.
I feel so guilty. I don't even know if I have anything to do with his bad mood, but for some reason, I felt like it was my fault. In my heart, his pain was my pain.
I gradually walk over to him and seat myself next to him.
"So what Smiley?"
"Aren't you going to tell me what's made you so mad all of a sudden?"
"I'm not mad."
"I know you better than that. Do you expect me to believe that? You're the most important person to me. I know when something's wrong."
"Yeah, my best friend."
For some reason, hearing those 3 words, in the way he said them had a profound effect on me. It was as if it was final. There could never be a me and him. It would always be a strictly 'best friends' relationship between us. And with that, I felt my heart gradually starting to break whilst I was sitting on that dock.
"I can tell you anything, cant I?"
"Of course," I say quietly, desperately.
"Its about ev."
And I just so desperately want to hear about her right now don't I?
"What about ev?"
"Have you noticed anything about her lately? I mean, has she been acting strange?"
"Well…I don't know. I mean, yeah, she's been quieter than usual, but I haven't thought about it that much to be honest."
"Well, since I mentioned to her in passing that there might have been a possibility that Itache was coming back-"
"Why didn't you give me warning?"
"Like I said, it was said in passing. It just came up. Anyway, since I mentioned it to her, she's been acting weird. Well, distant is more suitable. And when she saw him this morning, she went really quiet all of a sudden and wouldn't look at me."
"Don't worry about it. It might just be…erm…how can I put this?"
"Yeah, that time of the month." I can't believe I'm talking about THAT with K1lled of all people.
Then again maybe not.
"But I don't think it is. She's gone weird ever since I've started mentioning him again."
Now, with the hectic 'I love K1lled' situation taking over most of my brain and this brand spanking new information pushing its way in, I would've expected a brain overload. But for some reason, things kind of slipped into place.
Its like filling in a wordsearch, when you have the extra information, you just fill in the gaps. So picture my brain as a giant wordsearch if you will. I had information already floating around, but none of it went together, but now I had that extra bit of information, everything slotted in, like words in a wordsearch. Why can't I just simplify things?
But the one thing that stood out was ev and Itache. Why did ev act so weird as soon as she heard Itache was coming back? Then I thought about Itache words.
"You were right when you said that you can't help who you fall in love with? Yeah, but I wasn't referring to you when I agreed with you."
My hands gripped the pier. Was ev cheating on K1lled with Itache? Did Itache love ev?
One thing was sure, Itache had a hefty butt kicking coming his way.
So now I'm walking/jogging towards K1lled and Itache. You may be thinking now 'God this guy is paranoid', and I'm going to say that I have to agree with you. Why I just don't quit and move away to Atlantica and live as a sea urchin I'll never know.
"K1lled!" I can't believe I'm doing this. "K1lled wait up." They both look at me, K1lled has a slight frown on his face and Itache has his trademark cheesy grin.
"What is it Smiley?" K1lled snaps. Whoa, who got out of bed on the wrong side this morning?
"I was just wondering if you wanted to walk back home together," I said shyly as I caught up to them.
"Now's not a good time Smiley," and with that he walked off and left me with Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot.
"What did you say to him?" I said to Itache, anger flaring up inside me as cold fear started to build up. "If you said anything to him-"
"Don't panic your pretty little head off. I only asked him why he wasn't with ev. Take a chill pill Smiley. You're getting paranoid." Well done Sherlock, go ahead and state the obvious why don't ya?
"Then why is he in such a bad mood if that's all you asked?"
"How am I supposed to know?"
"Well, erm, let me think, YOU'RE HIS BROTHER!" A few passers by looked at us. An old lady actually stopped to glare at us. I bet 'god damn the youth of today' was running through her head.
"Once again I recommend a chill pill Smiley." I roll my eyes and storm after K1lled. "Hey, where are you going?"
"To find out what's wrong with my best friend."
I didn't hear what he said next. I just needed to find K1lled.
So here I am sitting in Biology whilst the teacher goes on the brain and brain diseases. I know I should be paying attention but my mind wanders. Whose wouldn't when Mrs Vetia is droning on about synapses? And I bet you can guess where it's wondering off to.
How did I get my self into this situation?
'You fell in love with your sisters boyfriend.'
Great. Another mental battle. I was still thinking about what k1tty said too. Maybe it would be better if I did just tell K1lled before Itache did. It might be best. But then everything will be ruined. Ev will hate me, me and K1lled might not be friends afterwards and he might tell me he doesn't feel the same, something I never want to hear.
Seriously, why cant love be easy?
I vaguely hear Mrs Vetia dismiss us while sneering at us, and I stand up and grab my stuff. I walk out, not bothering to watch where I'm going. Then, in a typical high school cliché moment, I smack right into something and I'm sent to the floor. Stars appear in front of my eyes as I feel a weight on top of me.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry," said a voice. I feel a brush creep up my cheeks as I realise it's a male.
"Its ok. It's my fault anyway. I wasn't watching where I was going."
"Smiley?" I finally open my eyes and groan.
"Damn you Itache. Get off me."
"Hey, you said it. This is your fault."
"Then why did you apologise first? Now I said get off me. People are staring." He stood up and held out a hand to me. I roll my eyes and take it. "Next time watch where you're going Itache."
"Hey, you said it was your fault."
"I changed my mind."
"Too late. But don't worry, I forgive you."
"Get lost." I turn and walk away but sadly he catches up with me. Doesn't he get the hint? "I said get lost."
I stop and turn to him.
"Why are you following me? Get over it Itache!" I shout, ignoring the looks from my fellow students. "I don't feel that way. After 2 years you should have got over it."
"But after two years you haven't got over him."
"He has nothing to do with this, Itache." I silence my voice slightly. "I don't love you. So get over it. You shouldn't still love me." He started laughing. This wasn't meant to go like this. I'm meant to have the upper hand. Damn you Itache.
"You think I still love you? Where did you get that from?"
"At lunch you said that-"
"You were right when you said that you can't help who you fall in love with? Yeah, but I wasn't referring to you when I agreed with you."
"You're in love with someone else?"
"Don't sound so shocked Smiley. People can get over things. In my case, I got over you."
"Then who is it?"
"Yeah, like I'm going to tell you." He walked around me and headed towards the exit. "Oh, and by the way , you might want to be nice to me from now on. I know your little secret." He winked at me and walked through the doors.
I was gobsmacked. No, I wasn't gobsmacked, I felt like I had been hit in the face with a wet fish then knocked down by a herd of buffalo. I wasn't shocked at the fact he was over me. I mean, who stays hung up on a person for 2 years? Except me of course. I'm the only one stupid enough to do it. I was shocked over the fact there was someone else and I couldn't figure out who it was. And also the fact that Itache came up with the idea to use my love for K1lled against me. He's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.
"So, let me get this straight…Itache doesn't love you anymore, he's falling for someone else but we don't know who it is. He still wants to use the K1lled thing against you though."
"Well done k1tty."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Doesn't that question ever get old?"
"Don't answer a question with a question. You're avoiding the point."
"How did you get so serious? Have we switched places or something?"
"Not as far as I know. I don't think we have." Yep, k1tty is still k1tty. I'm so glad I'm not totally loosing it.
"Anyway, I don't know. I mean, it makes more sense to tell him before Itache does. But problems it could cause…I don't really want to think about them. But if I don't tell K1lled and Itache does, then that leaves me in a sticky(bomb) situation. But if I don't tell and Itache doesn't tell then things stay the way they are."
"But then it carries on eating you up inside."
"I've survived two years so it's all okay."
"But how much longer can you last?" I didn't reply. I walked out and didn't look back. The sooner I got home the better. I really needed some chocolate.
But, it wasn't meant to be.
I walked along the sidewalk, my mind trying to figure stuff out, and then I met the most unwanted site. K1lled…and Itache…alone together talking. Oh dear god.
Do you remember when I told you that I was going to be Rose who jumped back on the Titanic to be with Jack? I forgot the fact that the ship sank at the end. And Jack died too.
And this problem is like a boat, and it's sinking faster than you can say bombing medic.
"There wont be anything to worry about Smiley. Itache's been gone or nearly 2 years so I'm sure he'll have forgotten or got over you."
"I appreciate the fact you're trying to help me k1tty, but I'm not in the mood."
"I'm just not." I moved the meat loaf around the plate with my fork. Who in their right mind would eat meatloaf? The only reason I got it was because I was too late for pizza.
"Well, your mood is most certainly going to get worse."
"Now why would that be Itache? Because as far as I can figure, nothing can get be more worse than loving your sisters boyfriend and him not loving you back." I was on the brink of breaking fown
"Well, I'd disagree. Here comes your worst nightmare." I turned and groaned. Itache strutted over, a grin on the face, as if he just won Div 2, and he sat next to me. This wasn't how I imagined my Monday going.
"What do you want Itache?"
"Well, that's not how you should greet a friend after 2 years of no contact."
"There was a reason for that," I muttered.
"Nothing." Itache raised an eyebrow.
"Anyway, how have you been?" It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. Had he just asked me, the girl who trod all over his heart, how SHE was doing?
"Erm…I'm okay thanks. You?"
"So," he said in a whisper, leaning closer to me, "Do you still love our baity pocket?"
I knew it was too good to last.
"Why? It isn't any of your business."
"I think you'll find it is. One, he's my brother who is seeing your sister in case you have forgotten. Two, you refused to love me because you loved him. And three, I'm a nosey person." I rolled my eyes.
"Well one, I know he is dating ev and he's your brother. Two, for the millionth time, I'm sorry I didn't feel the same way but you cant help who you fall in love with. And three, your last reason is stupid. If you're nosy you must be a gossiper, so that's less of a reason to tell you."
"So you're still in love with him then?" I stayed silent. "Fine." He stood up and looked at me. "And you're right. You can't help who you fall in love with." Then he walked off, leaving me to ponder. K1tty looked at me and took her headphones out.
"I…I think he still loves me." K1tty's eyes widened and it went silent between us.
"Bugger me." I raised an eyebrow at k1tty.
"You need to stop watching 'Titanic'."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I have to pray that Itache doesn't tell K1lled."
"Well, you could always beat K1lled to it." I look at K1tty who is putting her headphones back in.
I hate it when the cat's right. It always means trouble for me.
Crap. Double Crap.
"I...Itache sempai?" I say quietly.
Okay, now is it possible to have a heart attack, brain shutdown and suffer a breakdown at the same time? Well, if not, I'm a medical marvel.
"Oh my god." I drop my bag onto the floor and stare at my locker.
By this point, you're probably wondering who Itache is. Well, lets just say its tricky. He's K1lled's brother. Twin to be more exact and only 6 minutes older than K1lled.
And you're also probably wondering why I am reacting so badly to this news. It can't be that bad right? Well, WRONG! (besides we need some drama right)
That birthday, 2 years ago, when I knew I had fallen in love with K1lled, Itache said something to me. I had only known him 4 months but heck, I'd only know K1llee that long. When I was with K1lled, hanging out, Itache would be there too, being the annoying guy. We weren't friends to the extent K1lled and I were, but we got quite close and got along fairly well. Then on my birthday, Itache cornered me in my garden and confessed something to me.
He loved me. He said we would be the best soldier duo in the world.
Well, you can imagine my reaction. I was in love with K1lled who loved ev who loved K1lled back whose twin brother was now proclaiming his love for me. And I had only just turned 14.
So it was a sticky situation that I didn't know how to get out of, not having a lot of past romantic experience (or any) and all that. So I just told Itache I didn't love him, I loved K1lled. BIG MISTAKE! So learn a lesson from this: Never tell a guy's brother that you don't love him, you love his brother. Make sense?
So, Itache feeling down and crushed by me, threatens to tell K1lled. That was something I didn't want to happen for obvious reasons. He was besotted with ev as she was with him and I couldn't ruin that. So I asked him to keep quiet. He refused obviously, due to the fact I had kinda ripped out his heart and virtually ran over it with a steamroller.
But he didn't get the chance to tell K1lled anything. Their parents split a week later and Itache abandoned TechE to go pinoyland. Now he was back. And he had unfinished business he would probably want to finish.
I'm not even 16 yet!
"Smiley? You okay?" I was brought back to earth by k1tty who had just placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Oh god. What if he tells him? What the hell am I going to do?"
"Well, firstly, clam down because K1lled is coming this way. Second-"
"What?" I picked up my bag and threw my books in, slamming my locker shut.
"Smiley?" I spun around and come face to face with a concerned K1lled. "You okay?"
"Why didn't you tell me Itache was back?"
"I didn't think it really mattered."
"Well, it just would have been nice to know. I thought we were best friends."
"We are you idiot," K1lled laughed. God that cute laugh. Okay, stop there Smiley. You'll go off on one again. "Well, Itache's back and he's mentioned you a couple of times."
"Oh." I could feel nervousness creeping through my veins. "Anything else?"
"No, not really. He just asked how you were and if you were seeing anyone. To be honest, the way he kept asking questions, I kind of got the impression that he has a crush on you." And my stomach drops again. I look up at him but he refuses to meet my eye.
"K1lled?" He finally looks at me but doesn't smile. His face is serious and it worries me. "What is it?"
"Nothing." Then he turn's and heads off to Maths without me.
I eventually caught up with him and he acted as if nothing had happened. Which annoyed me greatly. I wanted to know what made him react the way he did when he said Smiley might have a crush on me. Then it struck me. Well, hit me in the middle of a very bad headache. And I realised at the same time that I can be very slow.
Did K1lled fancy me?
Part of me said yes but part of me dismissed it. He didn't like his brother much so he could have just had a bad taste in his mouth. But maybe he didn't like the idea of Itache crushing on me because he was. But he always seemed so in love with ev, so why would he crush on me?
God, men can be so complicated sometimes. So can life for that matter. There should really be a book about all this.
And what's the cause of this current headache? Itache! Why did he come back? He was hell bent on telling K1lled last time so what if he hasn't changed?
What if he still loves me?