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Part 14

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I should have left. I still have a chance. I can get away and wait until this blows over. But no. I haven't moved.

Ev phoned K1lled and he said he was coming over. Then I sat on the couch and haven't moved since. Most definitely an idiot.

So here I am, ev sitting opposite me, and we're waiting for K1lled. I have no idea how I'm going to handle this situation. I wish this is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up before K1lled gets here.

"What do I do after this? " ev says. I look up at ev, her head is in her hands.

"What do you mean? What am I going to do after this? My best friend is about to find out that I've loved him for 2 years."

"My boyfriend is about to find out I love his brother but I still love him."

Yeah, she wins.

"Just tell him straight out. It's the easiest way."

"How did I get myself into this situation?"

"You cant help who you fall in love with." My heart beats increasing. Its either nerves or anticipation. K1lled is going to know.

Knock knock

Oh dear god. I'm going to need a miracle. Ev stands up and smooths down her dress. She walks to the door and rests her hand on the snip. She breaths in and opens the door. K1lled takes off his umbrella and steps in. The way he looks. That warmth in his eyes makes me fall in love with him all over again. But I know that in a matter of minutes, that warmth is going to be shattered. How? 

I just do.

"What's wrong ev? Smiley?"

"Sit down K1lled," ev says. I move over and make room for him on the couch.

"There's something wrong, isn't there?"

"I need to tell you something K1lled." That pang of sympathy I felt for ev before in the café has come back even greater. She's torn between two loves and she's got to tell her boyfriend.

"You're worrying me ev."

"Its about Smiley." I see anger flicker across K1lled's face.

"What's he done now?"

"Its not just him…its…its me too." Roxas moves back slightly, confused. "You see…I…I…" I sense she's about to cry. I feel like I shouldn't be here. "I…I love him."

In my head, I hear a great 'crack' sound. I'm sure I heard K1lled heart break. He doesn't move, he doesn't blink, its like he's frozen.


"Please, K1lled. I love you, so much, please believe me. I just…I love him too. Its hard to explain-"

"It isn't," K1lled whispers. "Just tell me, how long?"

"Since he left."

"So you led me on, all this time?" I could hear the anger rise in his voice.

"No, never. I love you."

"You cant love us both."

"I can. But I'm not the only one."


"I'm not the only one that loves you." Crap. Now its my turn. "Ask Smiley." I cant look at him. I feel his eyes on me but I cant face him.

"Smiley?" he whispers. "What does she mean?" The finale. Judgement day. Armageddon.

"I…I love you." I feel the weight on the couch lessen. He's standing up.

"I…" You're killing me K1lled. Why aren't you saying anything? Why are you standing up?

I look at him as he walks out the door into the rain, not bothering to pull his hood up or pick up his umbrella.

"Smiley." I ignore my sister. I'm in a tank top and sweatpants and slippers but I don't care. I run out into the rain after him.

"K1lled!" He ignores me and keeps going. "Please K1lled!" No answer. "Why are you ignoring me?" He stops and I run straight into him. He doesn't make a move. Broken. "K1lled," I whisper.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't."

"We're best friends."

"That's just it. Best friends. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't tell you and risk losing you."

"But still, I would've understood." I let out a shot laugh.

"Your best friend would've just told you she had been in love with you for the past 2 years."

"2 years?"

"But you love ev. My sister for Christ's sake." I didn't think it would be this hard. Love seems so simple. It can be the greatest thing in the world or it can cause the greatest amount of pain. "I couldn't do that to her, to you, to me. I couldn't tell you and then risk losing you. It would've been too hard."

"And it isn't now? Didn't you think about how I would feel?"

"Of course I did, I-"

"No. You just thought about what it would be like for you. It takes two to tango Smiley. There's always someone else, you just didn't bother thinking about me."

"You don't understand, K1lled."

"Of course I don't!" I knew he'd hate me. It's all over. "My best friend, someone I trust , doesn't bother to tell me she's in love with me."

"K1lled! I'm in love with my best friend who loves my sister! That's why I couldn't tell you!" This is too complicated. I feel the tears in my eyes. The more this conversation goes on, the more I realise he doesn't love me back. "I love you! I love you! I love you! Please K1lled. Please believe me."

"I cant." A tear rolls down his cheek. "I cant do any of this right now."


"I'm sorry, I cant."

He turns away.

The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child and I look toward the sky, as if the raindrops could soothe me. There is static in my head once more, the side effect of my broken self that I live with. I hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give. That's the way it is with this kind of love. It's like a theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

He doesn't love me.

As he walks away, I feel like he's taken my heart with him, only for him to throw it away.

He doesn't love me.

The rain. I cant feel it anymore. So numb as the tears wont stop coming.

He doesn't love me.

"I cant."

He doesn't love me.

He's gone and my heart is broken.

He doesn't love me.

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