• Announcements

    • natapon

      Migration   04/14/17

      We have migrated the site to a new host Some stuff may not be working as expected If you do encounter any issues, let us know!


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Justintayz12345 last won the day on November 11 2016

Justintayz12345 had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

3 Neutral

1 Follower

About Justintayz12345

  • Rank


  • steamcommunityid

Recent Profile Visitors

1196 profile views
  1. Process 4-3 to era http://logs.tf/1778533#76561198157178818 Gullywash 6-1 to era http://logs.tf/1778546#76561198157178818
  2. Hi! I've sent you a friend request.
  3. collab?
  4. The whole 'facing a pack of lions' thing still stands. My stomach wont stay still and my heart is going at 5000 km/h. I spot his house as I turn a corner. I could easily turn back now, let him go and let him move on…whilst regretting not saying anything for the rest of my days. Walking up to his front door, I pause before I let my fist hit the door. Looking through the window, I see him sitting on the stool. He's flicking through an old photo album that I remember giving to him because he wouldn't shut up about having no where to put his photographs. I smile at the thought and then it hits me : I was going to do was simply stupid. He's going to the EU and its not like I can stop him. Sighing in defeat, I let my fist drop to my side and turn away. Its all for the best... "Smiley?" Turing, I see him standing in the door way. Stupid mental thoughts. Too preoccupied to hear him. "Hey. I just wanted to say bye." Turing back, I close my eyes and mentally hit myself. I could have thought of something better to say, couldn't I? "Don't go." Stopping, and making sure I heard him right, I turn back to face him. "Why not?" "Just come in. You're freezing and wet." I follow him into the house as he closes the door. "Give me your coat. I'll go get a towel for your hair." He walks into the kitchen, leaving me standing there. I walk into the sitting room and glance at the photo album. It was full of pictures from when we were at the beach last summer. I smile as I look at the one of me and K1lled. I have that one too. The better days. "I got you a coffee too." "Thanks," I mumble, taking a sip then cursing as it burnt my tongue. "Its hot." "Really?" I mentally shout at myself as I see the look on his face "Why did you call me in? Its not like we're the best of friends now." "You're always going to be my best friend." "Yeah, you made that so clear these past few days." "Don't Smiley." "Why not? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't react like this?" "Because I need to explain myself." "You don't have to explain. I get it. You don't love me like I love you. I can accept that. I got it crystal clear in the café." I could already feel my throat tightening as the words came tumbling out. "I didn't mean to be like that." "Of course you didn't mean to give me the cold shoulder." "I was confused." "I don't care if you were confused. How do you think I've been feeling?" He steps back away from me in shock. "Don't make this any worse for me than it already is." "Enlighten me K1lled. How can this be bad for you?" "Because I'm not sure what I feel for you." What a way to shut me up. He was always good at that. I sit on the couch as he sits opposite me. "I was shocked and confused, so I shut everyone out until I could sort myself out first. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect for my best friend to turn around to me and say she loved me. And for 2 years too. And my girlfriend of 2 years had just told me she loved my brother. Can you see where I'd get slightly confused?" "Ev.... I could deal with. There had always been this nagging thought in the back of my mind that she felt something for Itache. But I never wanted to develop that thought because things seemed to be going so well. 2 years and we were going to grow old together..... But then…then you said you loved me…and everything started spinning." You want to know something that's spinning right now? My mind. "What if those 2 years had been a waste? Why didn't I play on my first thoughts? Why didn't I see the signs? Why did I keep ignoring them?" "K1lled, what are you talking about?" Ignoring my question, he carries on. "I didn't love her at the start. I began to love her. Or maybe it wasn't her that I fell in love with. Maybe it was the idea of someone being there. It wasn't her to begin with, but I ignored it, hoping it would go away, but it didn't. It just stayed there in the back of my brain…in the back of my heart…dormant." "K1lled." "You know when we became friends?" "Yeah." "There was one thing that I always kept from you." "What?" I ask quietly, hesitant of hearing his reply. "That I loved someone, and it wasn't ev." What a way to cheer me up K1lled, tell me that there was someone else too. What a way to repair my broken heart. "I don't want to know K1lled." I feel the tears prick my eyes as I stand up. "If you think this is helping me, then you're wrong, so wrong. How can it help me to tell me that there was someone else you loved too?" "You might want to know," K1lled replied, standing up to meet me. "I don't think so." "Its someone you know." "That makes me feel a million times better." "Someone you know extremely well." "Why, this is the best news I've had all year," I reply, half sarcastically, and half about to break down. "Smiley." The softness of his voice shuts me up. "Remember that mousepad I got you for your birthday?" I nod. "Don't you think it was a bit too much for someone who was only meant to be a friend?" "I thought you were being nice." "Too nice," he laughs. "That cost me a fortune. To get it I didn't spend nearly as much on ev as I wanted." "Nice move…the whole guilt trip thing." "I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to make you realise. I've always spent more time with you than I have ev. I always put you before her when it should be the other way around. If you ask, I come running. If you cry, I want to be the shoulder you do it on. If you laugh, I have to be there to hear it because my day isn't right if I don't hear it." "K1lled…what are you-" "Don't you get it Smiley? I didn't until after the café. It was you all along. I loved ev because she was someone who could be there. I loved ev because I couldn't come to terms with the fact I loved my best friend, my girlfriends sister." I drop the coffee mug I'm holding. "Isn't that a laugh? I love my best friend who is my ex-girlfriends sister and my brother loves her too." For some reason, I have a weird deja vu vibe. "K1lled-" "I want to say sorry for not saying anything. I didn't know you felt like that. I'll understand if you cant stand the sight of me after what I put you through, but after 2 years, I felt like I had to tell you. Because in my opinion, its 2 years too late and I couldn't wait any longer." I could pinch myself right now just to check that this isn't a dream. "Please, just say something Smiley." Oh god, help me say something that makes sense. Anything, just something he can understand. "K1lled…I…I-". "Four words. Just say them to me and I wont leave. I wont go to the EU." "But that's what you want. For the past 2 years that's where you've wanted to go." "But I want you more." I smile as a tear slides down my cheek. "Say it to me. Those words." "I love you K1lled." I smile as more tears roll down my face. "So god damn much." I laugh and throw my arms around him, hanging on for dear life, crying into his shoulders There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. To shed tears for the one I love is only natural. "I love you too." I feel him smile against my neck. "So god damn much." He laughs as he pulls away to face me. His smile…Leaning forward, he places those lips on mine. This is what I've been waiting for. And so I swear to god, I will not waste this moment He kissed me and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingled. I ran my fingers down K1lled's spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us. I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest. We are one The End
  5. "Smiley. Smiley." Oh my dear god. I feel like the AFC 11 Div 2 GF is replaying in my mind. "Smiley. Are you okay?" Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is Itache. That's enough to sober anyone up. Shooting up I look around the room, only to clutch my head in pain. "Ouch." "No wonder. You hit your head pretty hard." I look at him and raise an eyebrow. "Well done Sherlock." "Listen, you need to speak to K1lled." "I cant deal with this right now. In case you haven't noticed, I feel like the earth is exploding in my head! I cant deal with K1lled too." "He's leaving tomorrow. Its now or never." "I thought you hated K1lled." "I…Its hard to explain." "We have another hour." Itache looked at me and sighed. "You'll hate me." "You don't think that I already do?" "I …I hated him because of how close he was to you. He got as close to you as I wanted to be. And I hated him for it. And I hated him because you loved him and not me." "Itache-" "Don't. You wanted him and not me, so I hated him because I couldn't hate you. When I came back, and I saw how you were still madly in love with him, that you were willing to repress your own feelings for his sake...... it hit me how much I still loved you. " "I might have said that I was over you, but I was far from it. I knew ev cared for me before I left, so I…I decided to take you back. K1lled didn't deserve you, even as just a friend. So I told ev I loved her and told her to break up with K1lled. "She didn't agree. So I told her that you loved him. Then she hated you. You always got everything and she had the one thing that you couldn't have. Yet you still wanted it. Revenge is sweet isn't it. So she told K1lled. Maybe not how I planned but she still told him. And then he hated you. Ev got hurt but it was something I'd deal with later. But now…I want you to talk with K1lled because you're hurting. I cant stand to see you like this and if being with K1lled makes you happy, I've just got to accept it." This must be the first time I've been rendered speechless. "I…I don't know what to say. I…why?" "People do stupid things when they're in love." As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. "What time is he leaving tomorrow?" "Five." "Okay, that gives me enough time to get my act together and see him." "Five am Smiles." "What?!" Leaping up from the chair, trying to ignore my headache, I reach for my bag and my coat, stuffing my letter in its pocket. "What time is it?" "Eleven." "Eleven! Where the hell is my mum? And ev?" "Your mums car broke down, she called about half an hour ago, and ev is at k1tty's." "I cant do this." "You can. You love him." "But does he love me?" Itache was silent. "I cant do it again. I cant go through it." "Then do it so you can make sure." "How the hell am I going to get through this?" "You're Smiley. You'll think of a way." I smile at him. "I'm sorry." "Don't be. Without you, he might not know, and I might not be doing this for another two years. Maybe never." I look at him once last time before I leave the house. This is the last time I might ever speak to him. This is the last chance I'll get to tell him how I feel. I would so much rather be facing a pack of lions.
  6. If this is what depression feels like, then just kill me now. I haven't K1lled in two days. His anniversary with ev is tomorrow and he hasn't been seen since ev told him about Itache. Hell, we don't even know if this anniversary is still going ahead. They haven't said to each other they're splitting up, but from the looks of it, it seems to be a silent, mutual ending. But that's not what's depressing me. He won't return my calls. When I go to his house, he is never in. I've taken to eating at least 4 tubs of ice cream a day and numerous packets of crisps. I haven't seen Itache either. But I am not complaining about that. I wish this had gone differently. Or not at all. I'm not bothered which. My best friend hates me. He doesn't love me. God I hate those 4 words in the same sentence. I didn't want to hurt him. Far from that. I thought I was protecting him. And yeah, me at the same time, I admit it. But its not like I thought about me and only me. If I had done that I would have told him a long time ago. Ev is…well…strange. Its like she's in limbo. She hasn't heard from Itache or K1lled. And even if I do feel slightly sorry for her, I blame her for all of this. She deserves to be broken like this. She cant have both of them. She cant love both of them. Life cant be perfect like that. And its her fault me and K1lled are like this. She just had to tell him didn't she? She just had to. She couldn't help but bring me down with her. If she couldn't have Itache or K1lled, then neither could I. That brings me to this moment. I'm sitting in the café, drinking free coffee from ifon because he feels sorry for me. I'm not complaining. I get doughnuts too. "It'll work out in the end," ifon says as he puts another doughnut in front of me and sits down. "K1lled just needs time to get his head around things." "But its like he's just fallen off the face of the earth. I can't talk to him, he's never at home and he hasn't contacted me. I just…I feel so bad. Doesn't he realise what he's doing to me too?" "Hey, his girlfriend has just broken his heart and walked all over it and his best friend has just turned around and told him she has loved him for the past 2 years. It's a lot to get your head around." "I love the way you're so blunt," I say sarcastically. Ifon just shrugs his shoulders and goes off to serve someone else. With my head on my arms, I try to not cry. The bell on the door jingles, signalling someone else coming in, but I don't care. I reach for my coffee but I stop. My heart beat increases ten-fold and I sit up. He's there. Standing in the door way, looking at me. I stand up and he doesn't move. He looks so rough. He comes towards me and stands on the other side of the table. "K1lled. I want to sa-" "Don't, Smiley. I've just came to say I'm leaving for the EU early. I wont be here for graduation…or your birthday. I just felt like I had to say goodbye." "You cant." "Its for the best." "You just cant go and expect everything to right itself." As much as I love him and feel sympathetic towards him, I want him to feel at least some part of my pain. "You ignore me for 2 days after I open my heart out and then show up and say 'goodbye, I'm off, I'm not sorry for crushing your heart'. You cant do that K1lled. It isn't fair. Please." "It isn't fair? What about me?" "What about me?!" Terrific, I'm making a scene in the café. "Do you know what you're doing to me?" I never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, leaving no smears or streaks. I wished I had; then I could have done it in front of people, at this very instant. Instead I can feel my nostrils filling with snot as tears start to tumble down. "Sorry." The tone of his voice kills me. I cant take it anymore. I lift my coat and push past him. I leave, not looking back. The hot tears fall down my face. Its raining again. My coat doesn't leave my hand as I don't bother putting it on. The sensible, 'I-accept-reality' part of my brain tells me to get over it. He's moving to the EU and he doesn't love me. But the part of my brain that dreams, and my heart, is telling me not to let go. Its been too long to forget. God damn it. Why did things end up like this? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Smiley, are you okay honey?" "Yeah mum," I lie. She gives me a worried look as she takes another glance at my damp clothing. "I'm worried about you Smiley. And ev. And K1lled too. Is something going on between you three?" I don't deign to respond "Right. Ev is shopping so she should be back soon. I'm going to get the shopping for the week. I'll be back in about two hours." Moments after she left, the doorbell starts to ring. I open the door and anger floods through me. "Itache." "We need to talk." "No we don't." I try to close the door but he sticks his foot in the way. He's known for putting his foot in it now. "We do. K1lled is leaving and you need to stop him." I loosen my grip on the door in shock and he steps in. "I take it he's told you from the look on your face." "Yeah. He found me at the café." "You cant let him leave like this." "Excuse me? None of this is my fault. Its all yours and ev's." "He's more upset over you." Now I'm really confused. "Why would he care? Its not like he feels the same way." "Your still his best friend." I stayed silent. "Listen, I know we don't get along that well, but you need to talk to him." "I cant, every time I do, its ends up one of us walking away. He doesn't feel the same way. I cant keep trying anymore. I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I cant have my heart stood on anymore." "Has he said he doesn't love you?" "He said he couldn't do it." "He couldn't do it then. He couldn't let you talk to him about how much you love him. He doesn't want to go to the EU as much as he did. Wonder why?" I was silent again. "He can leave this town. He can leave his family, he can even leave his love ev, but there's one thing that he doesn't want to leave." My heart becomes lighter, but I don't want to get my hopes up. "He doesn't want to leave you." The last thing I see is the ground
  7. I should have left. I still have a chance. I can get away and wait until this blows over. But no. I haven't moved. Ev phoned K1lled and he said he was coming over. Then I sat on the couch and haven't moved since. Most definitely an idiot. So here I am, ev sitting opposite me, and we're waiting for K1lled. I have no idea how I'm going to handle this situation. I wish this is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up before K1lled gets here. "What do I do after this? " ev says. I look up at ev, her head is in her hands. "What do you mean? What am I going to do after this? My best friend is about to find out that I've loved him for 2 years." "My boyfriend is about to find out I love his brother but I still love him." Yeah, she wins. "Just tell him straight out. It's the easiest way." "How did I get myself into this situation?" "You cant help who you fall in love with." My heart beats increasing. Its either nerves or anticipation. K1lled is going to know. Knock knock Oh dear god. I'm going to need a miracle. Ev stands up and smooths down her dress. She walks to the door and rests her hand on the snip. She breaths in and opens the door. K1lled takes off his umbrella and steps in. The way he looks. That warmth in his eyes makes me fall in love with him all over again. But I know that in a matter of minutes, that warmth is going to be shattered. How? I just do. "What's wrong ev? Smiley?" "Sit down K1lled," ev says. I move over and make room for him on the couch. "There's something wrong, isn't there?" "I need to tell you something K1lled." That pang of sympathy I felt for ev before in the café has come back even greater. She's torn between two loves and she's got to tell her boyfriend. "You're worrying me ev." "Its about Smiley." I see anger flicker across K1lled's face. "What's he done now?" "Its not just him…its…its me too." Roxas moves back slightly, confused. "You see…I…I…" I sense she's about to cry. I feel like I shouldn't be here. "I…I love him." In my head, I hear a great 'crack' sound. I'm sure I heard K1lled heart break. He doesn't move, he doesn't blink, its like he's frozen. "But-" "Please, K1lled. I love you, so much, please believe me. I just…I love him too. Its hard to explain-" "It isn't," K1lled whispers. "Just tell me, how long?" "Since he left." "So you led me on, all this time?" I could hear the anger rise in his voice. "No, never. I love you." "You cant love us both." "I can. But I'm not the only one." "What?" "I'm not the only one that loves you." Crap. Now its my turn. "Ask Smiley." I cant look at him. I feel his eyes on me but I cant face him. "Smiley?" he whispers. "What does she mean?" The finale. Judgement day. Armageddon. "I…I love you." I feel the weight on the couch lessen. He's standing up. "I…" You're killing me K1lled. Why aren't you saying anything? Why are you standing up? I look at him as he walks out the door into the rain, not bothering to pull his hood up or pick up his umbrella. "Smiley." I ignore my sister. I'm in a tank top and sweatpants and slippers but I don't care. I run out into the rain after him. "K1lled!" He ignores me and keeps going. "Please K1lled!" No answer. "Why are you ignoring me?" He stops and I run straight into him. He doesn't make a move. Broken. "K1lled," I whisper. "Why didn't you tell me?" "I couldn't." "We're best friends." "That's just it. Best friends. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't tell you and risk losing you." "But still, I would've understood." I let out a shot laugh. "Your best friend would've just told you she had been in love with you for the past 2 years." "2 years?" "But you love ev. My sister for Christ's sake." I didn't think it would be this hard. Love seems so simple. It can be the greatest thing in the world or it can cause the greatest amount of pain. "I couldn't do that to her, to you, to me. I couldn't tell you and then risk losing you. It would've been too hard." "And it isn't now? Didn't you think about how I would feel?" "Of course I did, I-" "No. You just thought about what it would be like for you. It takes two to tango Smiley. There's always someone else, you just didn't bother thinking about me." "You don't understand, K1lled." "Of course I don't!" I knew he'd hate me. It's all over. "My best friend, someone I trust , doesn't bother to tell me she's in love with me." "K1lled! I'm in love with my best friend who loves my sister! That's why I couldn't tell you!" This is too complicated. I feel the tears in my eyes. The more this conversation goes on, the more I realise he doesn't love me back. "I love you! I love you! I love you! Please K1lled. Please believe me." "I cant." A tear rolls down his cheek. "I cant do any of this right now." "K1lled." "I'm sorry, I cant." He turns away. The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child and I look toward the sky, as if the raindrops could soothe me. There is static in my head once more, the side effect of my broken self that I live with. I hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give. That's the way it is with this kind of love. It's like a theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see. He doesn't love me. As he walks away, I feel like he's taken my heart with him, only for him to throw it away. He doesn't love me. The rain. I cant feel it anymore. So numb as the tears wont stop coming. He doesn't love me. "I cant." He doesn't love me. He's gone and my heart is broken. He doesn't love me.
  8. I feel like I'm waiting for a bus. And on this oncoming bus is an executioner coming to hack my head off with a blunt axe. In other words, I'm sitting on the couch, staring at a blank television screen and I'm waiting for ev to get back and murder me. Isn't life fun? I hear a car pull up outside. I look out the window and see a taxi and ev getting out. I sit back down on the couch and she walks in. She dumps her umbrella down. Her eyes then meet with mine. "What are you doing here?" I notice a venomous tinge to her voice. "I live here too." "Wish you didn't," I hear her mutter. Cow. "Where have you been?" "None of your business." "Ah, I should've guessed. Been with Itache have you?" She straightens up and looks straight at me. "No retort?" "I know." "Know what?" Feigning innocence. You idiot ev. "About you and K1lled." "There isn't anything between K1lled and I." "You know what I mean. You love K1lled, even though he's with me." "What does it matter? You don't love K1lled anymore. You cant. You love Itache." Namine's mouth thinned, but only for a moment. "Don't be stupid Kairi." "So you didn't mean it when you said to Itache that you loved him at the end of school today?" She didn't reply. "Your 2 year anniversary with K1lled is in 3 days in case you hadn't noticed, yet you're saying 'I love you' to the wrong person. Do you love K1lled?" "Yes, but-" "There are no buts Namine. You cant love them both. You have to chose." "What if I don't want to? If I let K1lled go, then you'll get him." "But you'll have Itache." "No, Smiley. I may love Itache and he may say that he loves me but he never will. It will always be you! If I let K1lled go, it'll be you and him in the end. And yeah, maybe I will be with Itache, but he'll never get over you." "Has he-" "He doesn't need to tell me anything Smiley! I may not be the brightest person but I'm not dumb. The way he looks at you, the way he acts around you. Every time I tell him I love him or bring the subject up, he changes it or ignores what I said. And I know what happened on your 14. I saw you two in the Garden. Yeah, I had said to K1lled I loved him, but I knew I could never have Itache. And I was right, wasn't I? In the Garden, he told you he loved you, didn't he? I could tell. It was so obvious. But you turned him down, and I never bothered to think about why. I just thought you didn't love him and that was it. But now I know. I cant let K1lled go. I cant lose both of them to you." "You wont lose K1lled to me. He loves you." "I can fucking tell Smiley. He doesn't. Well, not as much anymore. When he found out he was moving to the EU, he realised he didn't want to leave this place. He had something to stay behind for. And it isn't me." "We're just friends. Haven't you wondered why I haven't said anything? Nothing could happen between us." I can feel my voice breaking. "No. I love him still. As much as I did when I first said it, even more. But I love Itache just as much too." "Then decide ev." "No! Because either way I still lose to you and I wont let that happen!" "But you'll end up breaking both of their hearts instead of just one! Which is better ev? To love and be loved in return, or love but be hated by those you care so much about?" "Don't you lecture me on this!" "Ev. You have to decide. K1lled or Smiley?" Ev is silent. She looks as though she's on the brink of tears. Well, my theory was spot on, k1tty will be proud. "Why didn't you tell me you loved K1lled?" "Because you were with him." "You should've told me." "Maybe. But I couldn't. Things were…comfortable. It seemed daft to ruin it all." "But you love him." "My image of true love being perfect when down the toilet 2 years ago. When I fell in love with K1lled, I realised there was no going back. Maybe it isn't the perfect, ideal true love, but its buried so deep inside me now, I don't want to let go." Ev walks over to the phone, picking it up. "What are you doing?" "I need to talk to K1lled." I scramble past the couch and try to reason with her. "I cant keep this up anymore, loving two people. Two brothers. And you…he deserves to know." "Ev, please. Things are fine the way they are. Just give yourself time to figure stuff out and then I'll be there to give my shoulder to whoever needs to cry on it." "No, Smiley." She dials the number and I wait. He's not meant to find out, especially over a phone. "Hi, K1lled. Its ev. Yeah, everything's fine. Listen, I need you to come round. We have to talk." Crap and double crap. Oh dear god help me. I think my brain is about to burst. Is there a doctor in the house? Because I, Smiley the Roamer, am going to need one by the time tonight is over.
  9. I'm walking home and its starting to rain. I'm drenched from head to toe. But do I care? No I cant believe that twerp told ev. I could kill him. Kill him and then raise him from the dead just so I could do it all over again. I hate him. Well, ev is going to hate me now. But she loves Itache. That's all the proof I need. But is K1lled going to believe me or the love of his life? Somewhere, very deep, deep, deep, deep down inside of me, I feel a tiny pang of sympathy for ev. She's torn between two people that she loves. But how long has she loved Itache for? Did she just fall for K1lled because he was a replacement? That tiny pang of sympathy goes when I think about ev using K1lled. All this is getting so complicated. I stop outside the café that K1lled and I love. Its still raining and I'm drenched. I decided to go inside and grab a coffee. I need time to sit and think. Sitting at the usual table, I order a coffee and a doughnut. With my head in my hands, I try to think of a battle plan. The most obvious plan is to tell K1lled. But then he might not believe me and hate me for it. Then again, he might listen and split up with ev, and at the same time, give his brother a very bad beating. The other option is that I don't say anything to him. The relationship could carry on and he remains oblivious to ev's other feelings and she gets over K1lled. Or she might tell him herself and he will dump her but hate me because I knew but didn't say anything. "Here's your order ev." I look up and see Ifon standing there with my food and a sympathetic look on his face. "What's wrong?" "Its nothing." "It must be something because you look like a depressed rat that's tried to drown itself." "Thanks for that analogy." "Where's K1lled? It seems strange seeing one without the other." "I don't know. I think he went home." "Tell me what it is Smiley." I look at him as he sits down opposite me. I have to tell someone. I need help. I need exp mentorship. "You cant tell a soul what I'm about to tell you. Promise me." "I promise." I take a deep breath. "I'm in love with K1lled." Ifon just stares at me. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting. "Yeah. And?" "What do you mean 'and?'?" "Its so obvious. I mean, you two are like joined at the hip. It was inevitable that this would happen between you two. Shame that he's with ev." I bang my head on the table. "Mind the woodwork." "I don't know what to do." "Tell him." "It isn't that simple." "Why not?" "You know K1lled's brother, Itache?" Ifon nodded. "He's back in town and ev has fallen in love with Itache. Its most likely she was in love with him before he left but he wasn't interested then. He had his heart set on someone else. So she fell in love with K1lled, but secretly not forgetting about Itache. So when he turns up again, all the old feelings come back. Now, with K1lled and ev's 2 year anniversary coming up, ev has told Itache she loves him but she still loves K1lled too. Now ev knows I love K1lled and she's probably going to hate me forever. Well, that's my 'theory' anyway." Silence. "Holy surfs. No wonder you look depressed. But this is just a 'theory'." "Yeah, but from everything I know, this is probably what's happening." Ifon raised his hand. "LERL, get me a coffee and an espresso for Smiley. Actually, make that last one a double." Ifon turned back to me. "So, what is it your worried about?" I let out a short laugh. "Haven't you been listening Julianne? I'm worried about what Itache might do next, what ev is going to think and how K1lled might react if he finds out about all this." I bang my head on the table one again. "I'm having a life crisis and I'm not even 16." "Listen Smiley ," Ifon said to me as lerl put down the cups. "I think you need to tell K1lled before it spirals out of control." "Why does everyone say that? I cant tell my best friend I love him when he's in love with my sister!" "Can you see any other options?" "Yeah. Let it carry on and watch what happens." I gulp down the espresso, I burns my throat but I don't care. "I have to go. I should speak to ev." "Fine. But I still think-" "That I should tell K1lled, I know. Wish me luck ifon." "I think you're going to need more than luck." "I know. I just didn't want to voice that fact out loud. It kind of removes what hope I had of coming out of this unscathed."
  10. Wednesday. 4 days to go until I turn 16 and 3 days until their anniversary. 3 days is all I have to see whether ev is cheating with Itache. I think I'm going a bit to far with this, but I don't want to see K1lled heart broken. K1tty has been a great help. In just a day, she found them walking along the beach together. Okay, maybe that doesn't signal that they're doing the 'naught monkey dance' together (her analogy, not mine), but it still stirs up some questions. Like why the hell is ev walking along the beach with Itache when she's only ever done that with K1lled? Except when she and I were kids, but it stopped when ev fell into the hole I was digging. It's a long and embarrassing story and I'm missing the point here. So, here I am, Wednesday morning, standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for ev, meanwhile K1lled and Itache are sitting on the couch. And the tension in the room is oh so high. K1lled and Itache aren't taking, ev is making us late (no change there then) and I'm drifting off into random day dreams where K1lled and I are married with lots of children. "So…" Itache says. He's trying to break the silence but it clearly isn't working. All he gets is a glare from K1lles. "What's your problem?" Oh joy to the world, here we go again. "Nothing. What's your problem?" As much as I love him, that retort was as good as ifon's maincalling. (Not at all good in case you didn't get my point.) Itache starts laughing. "Nice come back. Can't you do any better?" And now Itache is asking for trouble. This proves he deserves the Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot nickname I gave him. I came up with it whilst watching King Arthur. The one with Kiera Knightley, and I'm going off the point again. "I'm not in the mood Itache," was K1lled simple reply. "Because you know you cant beat me." I saw K1lled's' fists clench. He looked as if he might destroy another keyboard again. "Hit a nerve?" Hell yeah he has. K1lled and Itache had this thing about competing against each other. Itache's recent championship only proved his point. "Shut it." "What if I don't want to? MGE me bro " Great. Its not even 9 o'clock and they're starting a fight. Itache stands up and I stop leaning against the handrail. Last time they got into a fight, a vase was broken and my mum flipped. I do not want that happening again. Its was over 2 years ago but my mum still hasn't got over it. K1lled followed suit and stood eye-to-eye with Itache. "Erm, guys, lets just forget about this," I say as I walk up to them. "Now is not the time for a fight of the egos." "Aww, is your best friend saving you from another airshot K1lled? How cute." "Don't you dare, Itache," K1lled spat. "Come on you two. That's enough. We have to get to school." I hear ev coming down the stairs. Oh fab. "Here comes your girlfriend. Don't want her to see you losing another mge match. I've only won like all of them"." Itache bent down and picked up his bag. K1lled steps towards him but I force him back. "Get lost now, Itache," I tell him. "There will be no fighting in this house." "Whatever." He grabs his bag and walks out. "Jerk," I mutter. "Totally." I turn and look at K1lled, he has a slight smile on his face. "Such a tosser. I cant believe I'm related to him." I laugh slightly. "Where's Itache gone?" We turn and see ev at the bottom of the stairs. I was having a moment with K1lled there, didn't she notice!!!??? And she doesn't even say hello. The nerve. "He's went to school. And good morning to you too ev." I look back at Roxas. What a week for firsts. He's never spoken to ev like that. Usually he's all lovey dovey. Maybe they're on the rocks. I mean a baity pocket and trash talking medic together for 2 years, it can get pretty dull after the honeymoon period is over. "Hey K1lled." She walks over to him and pecks him on the cheek. Not the usual kiss on lips. Erm, parallel universe anyone? "Whatever. Lets just go." Now, this is just wrong. When did I enter a worm hole? xxxxxxx "So, any more news?" "Smiley, you're obsessed. Its only lunch time. They've been in lessons. I think you need to take a break, you don't wanna get kachowed." "I cant." "Why not?" "If K1lled found out that ev was cheating and I knew then he'll hate me." "But she might not be." "I know but-" "Listen Smiley, I'm telling you this because I'm your friend and I think you need to chill on this whole K1lled thing. Either tell him and get it out in the open, or forget about him. Its been two years. Maybe you should just erase him out your life for good. You don't need him to make it to Div 1." "I…I…" "Think about it Smiley. It might be for the best." Damn you k1tty. You choose your moments to have a point. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx The day is finally over, thank the heavens, and I'm on my way to my locker. Nothing strange happening, at least I hope so. History book, Maths book, EXP Mentorship books (got no idea why I took that) and English crap. I'll be busy tonight. Closing my locker, I turned around and headed towards the exit. Then I hear voices. Now if I were a normal sane person I would probably turn around and ignore it. But due to the fact I can be very nosey, I decide to eavesdrop. Good think I do. "Listen ev, why don't you just leave him?" "I cant." "Why not?" "I love him." "But you say you love me. You cant love both of us." "I know you don't like your brother, but I don't want to break his heart." "That's going to happen anyway. Sooner rather than later is best." "I don't know." "Listen ev, tell him. If you love me like you say you do then do it for me. I am the superior pocket." "But do you love me Itache?" "I have to tell you something. Its about Smiley." "What about her? She doesn't matter in this." "She kind of does. The thing is. She loves K1lled. And she has for the past two years." I turn and leave. Damn my noseyness. Well, at least now I know that there's something going on between ev and Itache. But now she knows I love K1lled. Crap. This ship has finally sunk.
  11. I didn't have the heart to K1lled what I though was going on. He seemed so besotted with ev at the time, I couldn't bare to see him heart broken. So I kept it to myself. I was a master at that now as I had kept my love hidden for 2 years. So for the next 2 days, I kept it all inside. But every time I saw Ev and Itache talking or walking together, I felt an anger flood through me. How could she cheat on K1lled? How could she be prepared to break his heart? Okay Smiley, calm down. You still don't know the facts. It was time for me to go detective! And I also need to stop hanging around with k1tty so much. So its decided. I wont K1lled anything until I find out if there is anything going on between ev and Itache. That sounds like a good plan. And I know the perfect person to help me with this. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "What?!" "Come on, k1tty." "No! I cant spy on ev and Itache." "Keep your voice down. And it wouldn't be spying exactly. Its more like…keeping an eye open for them when they are alone together and seeing if they do anything that friends shouldn't do." "Still spying Smiley. You're really not good at this." "Thanks k1tty. But I really need your help." "Why is this seeming more and more like Big Brother?" "K1tty!" "Fine, fine. The things I do for you Smiley. When you and K1lled get married I demand to be Maid of Honour." "Fine, you can-What?!" "Never mind Smiley. So all I have to do is keep an eye open for them?" "Yes." "Cool. Operation 'look out for blondie and Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot' commences." I groan and smack a hand to my forehead. Oh to be that sea urchin.
  12. yaokman
  13. The beach. My favourite place on the entire Island. I come here to think, try and sort my mind out. Unfortunately, of late it has been failing miserably. I share this place with him. So its not surprising that when I turned the corner I found him sitting on the dock, staring out to sea. I feel so guilty. I don't even know if I have anything to do with his bad mood, but for some reason, I felt like it was my fault. In my heart, his pain was my pain. I gradually walk over to him and seat myself next to him. "So?" "So what Smiley?" "Aren't you going to tell me what's made you so mad all of a sudden?" "I'm not mad." "I know you better than that. Do you expect me to believe that? You're the most important person to me. I know when something's wrong." "Yeah, my best friend." For some reason, hearing those 3 words, in the way he said them had a profound effect on me. It was as if it was final. There could never be a me and him. It would always be a strictly 'best friends' relationship between us. And with that, I felt my heart gradually starting to break whilst I was sitting on that dock. "I can tell you anything, cant I?" "Of course," I say quietly, desperately. "Its about ev." And I just so desperately want to hear about her right now don't I? "What about ev?" "Have you noticed anything about her lately? I mean, has she been acting strange?" "Well…I don't know. I mean, yeah, she's been quieter than usual, but I haven't thought about it that much to be honest." "Well, since I mentioned to her in passing that there might have been a possibility that Itache was coming back-" "Why didn't you give me warning?" "Like I said, it was said in passing. It just came up. Anyway, since I mentioned it to her, she's been acting weird. Well, distant is more suitable. And when she saw him this morning, she went really quiet all of a sudden and wouldn't look at me." "Don't worry about it. It might just be…erm…how can I put this?" "Yeah, that time of the month." I can't believe I'm talking about THAT with K1lled of all people. Then again maybe not. "But I don't think it is. She's gone weird ever since I've started mentioning him again." Now, with the hectic 'I love K1lled' situation taking over most of my brain and this brand spanking new information pushing its way in, I would've expected a brain overload. But for some reason, things kind of slipped into place. Its like filling in a wordsearch, when you have the extra information, you just fill in the gaps. So picture my brain as a giant wordsearch if you will. I had information already floating around, but none of it went together, but now I had that extra bit of information, everything slotted in, like words in a wordsearch. Why can't I just simplify things? But the one thing that stood out was ev and Itache. Why did ev act so weird as soon as she heard Itache was coming back? Then I thought about Itache words. "You were right when you said that you can't help who you fall in love with? Yeah, but I wasn't referring to you when I agreed with you." My hands gripped the pier. Was ev cheating on K1lled with Itache? Did Itache love ev? One thing was sure, Itache had a hefty butt kicking coming his way.
  14. So now I'm walking/jogging towards K1lled and Itache. You may be thinking now 'God this guy is paranoid', and I'm going to say that I have to agree with you. Why I just don't quit and move away to Atlantica and live as a sea urchin I'll never know. "K1lled!" I can't believe I'm doing this. "K1lled wait up." They both look at me, K1lled has a slight frown on his face and Itache has his trademark cheesy grin. "What is it Smiley?" K1lled snaps. Whoa, who got out of bed on the wrong side this morning? "I was just wondering if you wanted to walk back home together," I said shyly as I caught up to them. "Now's not a good time Smiley," and with that he walked off and left me with Sir I'm-a-gimp-a-lot. "What did you say to him?" I said to Itache, anger flaring up inside me as cold fear started to build up. "If you said anything to him-" "Don't panic your pretty little head off. I only asked him why he wasn't with ev. Take a chill pill Smiley. You're getting paranoid." Well done Sherlock, go ahead and state the obvious why don't ya? "Then why is he in such a bad mood if that's all you asked?" "How am I supposed to know?" "Well, erm, let me think, YOU'RE HIS BROTHER!" A few passers by looked at us. An old lady actually stopped to glare at us. I bet 'god damn the youth of today' was running through her head. "Once again I recommend a chill pill Smiley." I roll my eyes and storm after K1lled. "Hey, where are you going?" "To find out what's wrong with my best friend." I didn't hear what he said next. I just needed to find K1lled.
  15. So here I am sitting in Biology whilst the teacher goes on the brain and brain diseases. I know I should be paying attention but my mind wanders. Whose wouldn't when Mrs Vetia is droning on about synapses? And I bet you can guess where it's wondering off to. How did I get my self into this situation? 'You fell in love with your sisters boyfriend.' Great. Another mental battle. I was still thinking about what k1tty said too. Maybe it would be better if I did just tell K1lled before Itache did. It might be best. But then everything will be ruined. Ev will hate me, me and K1lled might not be friends afterwards and he might tell me he doesn't feel the same, something I never want to hear. Seriously, why cant love be easy? I vaguely hear Mrs Vetia dismiss us while sneering at us, and I stand up and grab my stuff. I walk out, not bothering to watch where I'm going. Then, in a typical high school cliché moment, I smack right into something and I'm sent to the floor. Stars appear in front of my eyes as I feel a weight on top of me. "Oh god, I'm so sorry," said a voice. I feel a brush creep up my cheeks as I realise it's a male. "Its ok. It's my fault anyway. I wasn't watching where I was going." "Smiley?" I finally open my eyes and groan. "Damn you Itache. Get off me." "Hey, you said it. This is your fault." "Then why did you apologise first? Now I said get off me. People are staring." He stood up and held out a hand to me. I roll my eyes and take it. "Next time watch where you're going Itache." "Hey, you said it was your fault." "I changed my mind." "Too late. But don't worry, I forgive you." "Get lost." I turn and walk away but sadly he catches up with me. Doesn't he get the hint? "I said get lost." "No." I stop and turn to him. "Why are you following me? Get over it Itache!" I shout, ignoring the looks from my fellow students. "I don't feel that way. After 2 years you should have got over it." "But after two years you haven't got over him." "He has nothing to do with this, Itache." I silence my voice slightly. "I don't love you. So get over it. You shouldn't still love me." He started laughing. This wasn't meant to go like this. I'm meant to have the upper hand. Damn you Itache. "You think I still love you? Where did you get that from?" "At lunch you said that-" "You were right when you said that you can't help who you fall in love with? Yeah, but I wasn't referring to you when I agreed with you." "You're in love with someone else?" "Don't sound so shocked Smiley. People can get over things. In my case, I got over you." "Then who is it?" "Yeah, like I'm going to tell you." He walked around me and headed towards the exit. "Oh, and by the way , you might want to be nice to me from now on. I know your little secret." He winked at me and walked through the doors. I was gobsmacked. No, I wasn't gobsmacked, I felt like I had been hit in the face with a wet fish then knocked down by a herd of buffalo. I wasn't shocked at the fact he was over me. I mean, who stays hung up on a person for 2 years? Except me of course. I'm the only one stupid enough to do it. I was shocked over the fact there was someone else and I couldn't figure out who it was. And also the fact that Itache came up with the idea to use my love for K1lled against me. He's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. xxxxxxxxxxx "So, let me get this straight…Itache doesn't love you anymore, he's falling for someone else but we don't know who it is. He still wants to use the K1lled thing against you though." "Well done k1tty." "So what are you going to do?" "Doesn't that question ever get old?" "Don't answer a question with a question. You're avoiding the point." "How did you get so serious? Have we switched places or something?" "Not as far as I know. I don't think we have." Yep, k1tty is still k1tty. I'm so glad I'm not totally loosing it. "Anyway, I don't know. I mean, it makes more sense to tell him before Itache does. But problems it could cause…I don't really want to think about them. But if I don't tell K1lled and Itache does, then that leaves me in a sticky(bomb) situation. But if I don't tell and Itache doesn't tell then things stay the way they are." "But then it carries on eating you up inside." "I've survived two years so it's all okay." "But how much longer can you last?" I didn't reply. I walked out and didn't look back. The sooner I got home the better. I really needed some chocolate. But, it wasn't meant to be. I walked along the sidewalk, my mind trying to figure stuff out, and then I met the most unwanted site. K1lled…and Itache…alone together talking. Oh dear god. Do you remember when I told you that I was going to be Rose who jumped back on the Titanic to be with Jack? I forgot the fact that the ship sank at the end. And Jack died too. And this problem is like a boat, and it's sinking faster than you can say bombing medic.