The day after K1lled told me he was leaving, I woke up at half 6, an hour earlier than I am meant to. Can you tell how in love I am with this guy? He causes me to lose sleep. And when that happens, its something serious. I guess I couldn't get used to the fact he was leaving. After two years we had become really close and the prospect of him not being there was an incredibly depressing one.
It was one i couldn't just accept
I got up and did the usual routine (do I have to explain?) and sat alone in the living room. It was only 7:15. Ev wasn't due up for another 15 minutes. I used the time to think. Maybe I should tell K1lled how I feel? But then there were so many complications.
There's ev to think of, she'd hate me. She really loves K1lled. Then there is the fact that he may not feel the same way. He does not love me. This thought made me even more depressed.
I sat there with my coffee in hand, letting it go cold. Time passed and ev's footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs. I sat up and looked busy. I took a sip of my coffee and pulled a face. It had gone stone cold. 'Only you Smiley.' I put the cup on the table and ev walked in.
"Morning," came her voice. "How come you're up so early? School isn't going on for another hour and a half."
"I couldn't sleep," I replied.
'I was busy thinking of how I could tell your boyfriend that I love him.'
"Okay." Ev then disappeared off upstairs. I put my head in my hands and sat there staring at my feet. I hadn't spoken to K1lled since yesterday evening and I didn't really want to see him this morning.
'Just faze him out of your life completely. He's taken. By your sister.'
I shook my head. God I hated those arguments that occur in the brain.
'Or you could just tell him. Then ruin everything.'
Yeah, now it was time to get the panadol out.
Its five minutes before we're due to leave and ev is still doing her make-up. Honestly. I want to leave before K1lled shows up. Aren't I just the world's best friend?
"Ev! Get a move on!"
"Okay! Okay!" Then came the knock at the door. "Smiley! Grab the door!" I rolled my eyes and braced myself. I knew it was him.
Now came the really hard part: opening it. I could just leave it and pretend we had already left. But he knocks again. I could imagine the expectant look on his face. Damn him and his cute face. Sighing, I pulled open the door and came face to face with him, his blue eyes boring into my lavender ones.
"Smiley!" I stood stock still, not knowing what to do. God, I hate myself.
"Hi K1lled," I say quietly, moving aside to let him in. He walks past me and stands by the couch as I close over the door. I feel his eyes on my back and I don't want to turn around.
"Why didn't you call last night?"
"Did I have to?"
"You said you would."
"I thought you would be chatting away to ev and I didn't want to disturb you." I could hear a slight catty tone in my voice. I didn't mean for that to happen.
'I love you and its killing me.'
"Nothing." I walk past him and grab my bag. The sooner I'm out of here the better.
"Smiley?" I don't look at him.
"There's something wrong isn't there? Tell me."
Now, if this were some Hollywood movie, this would be the time where the heroine decides whether to carry on acting as if the world was fine and dandy but continued to secretly love him, while allowing it to kill her on the inside…or…she would end it here and now, severing all contact and basically tell him to get lost. And the moment has come. I have to decide.
It's kind of like the moment in Titanic when Rose is on the lifeboat and Jack is standing on the deck. The lifeboat got lowered and Rose has to either stay stuck in this boat and never see Jack again or jump back onto the ship and live happily with the man she loves.
I guess I'm about to jump back on the Titanic. Or something like that.
"Nothing's wrong K1lled," I said, putting on a fake smile and praying he cant see through it.
"Then why didn't you call?"
"I was busy. Besides, I heard ev talking to you until all hours so its not like I could." I look at him and see him staring at me, his head tipped to the side slightly. God, he has no idea how cute he is when he does that.
"Hmm," was his reply. He gave me a lob sided grin and opened his arms, expecting a hug. But how could I, knowing what it would do to me. But I did it anyway. Like I said, if being friends with him is the only way I can get close to him then fine. These hugs are one of the greatest perks.
"You had me worried there for a moment."
"Why?" I say as i snuggle into his shirt.
"I thought you hated me."
"I could never hate you."
"Yeah. I couldn't get through these next few months without my best friend."
Now ladies and gentlemen, I would like to discuss those two words: best friend. This is what makes this situation 10 times worse. I love my best friend. But not only that, but this is all we'll ever be because I'm too much of a coward to tell him how I feel and face the consequences.
"Yeah," I simply say.
If only he knew what he did to me when he called me that.