The whole 'facing a pack of lions' thing still stands.
My stomach wont stay still and my heart is going at 5000 km/h. I spot his house as I turn a corner. I could easily turn back now, let him go and let him move on…whilst regretting not saying anything for the rest of my days.
Walking up to his front door, I pause before I let my fist hit the door. Looking through the window, I see him sitting on the stool. He's flicking through an old photo album that I remember giving to him because he wouldn't shut up about having no where to put his photographs. I smile at the thought and then it hits me : I was going to do was simply stupid. He's going to the EU and its not like I can stop him. Sighing in defeat, I let my fist drop to my side and turn away. Its all for the best...
Turing, I see him standing in the door way. Stupid mental thoughts. Too preoccupied to hear him.
"Hey. I just wanted to say bye." Turing back, I close my eyes and mentally hit myself. I could have thought of something better to say, couldn't I?
"Don't go." Stopping, and making sure I heard him right, I turn back to face him.
"Just come in. You're freezing and wet." I follow him into the house as he closes the door. "Give me your coat. I'll go get a towel for your hair." He walks into the kitchen, leaving me standing there. I walk into the sitting room and glance at the photo album. It was full of pictures from when we were at the beach last summer. I smile as I look at the one of me and K1lled. I have that one too. The better days. "I got you a coffee too."
"Thanks," I mumble, taking a sip then cursing as it burnt my tongue.
"Really?" I mentally shout at myself as I see the look on his face
"Why did you call me in? Its not like we're the best of friends now."
"You're always going to be my best friend."
"Yeah, you made that so clear these past few days."
"Why not? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't react like this?"
"Because I need to explain myself."
"You don't have to explain. I get it. You don't love me like I love you. I can accept that. I got it crystal clear in the café."
I could already feel my throat tightening as the words came tumbling out.
"I didn't mean to be like that."
"Of course you didn't mean to give me the cold shoulder."
"I was confused."
"I don't care if you were confused. How do you think I've been feeling?" He steps back away from me in shock.
"Don't make this any worse for me than it already is."
"Enlighten me K1lled. How can this be bad for you?"
"Because I'm not sure what I feel for you." What a way to shut me up. He was always good at that. I sit on the couch as he sits opposite me. "I was shocked and confused, so I shut everyone out until I could sort myself out first. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect for my best friend to turn around to me and say she loved me. And for 2 years too. And my girlfriend of 2 years had just told me she loved my brother. Can you see where I'd get slightly confused?"
"Ev.... I could deal with. There had always been this nagging thought in the back of my mind that she felt something for Itache. But I never wanted to develop that thought because things seemed to be going so well. 2 years and we were going to grow old together..... But then…then you said you loved me…and everything started spinning."
You want to know something that's spinning right now? My mind.
"What if those 2 years had been a waste? Why didn't I play on my first thoughts? Why didn't I see the signs? Why did I keep ignoring them?"
"K1lled, what are you talking about?" Ignoring my question, he carries on.
"I didn't love her at the start. I began to love her. Or maybe it wasn't her that I fell in love with. Maybe it was the idea of someone being there. It wasn't her to begin with, but I ignored it, hoping it would go away, but it didn't. It just stayed there in the back of my brain…in the back of my heart…dormant."
"You know when we became friends?"
"There was one thing that I always kept from you."
"What?" I ask quietly, hesitant of hearing his reply.
"That I loved someone, and it wasn't ev." What a way to cheer me up K1lled, tell me that there was someone else too. What a way to repair my broken heart.
"I don't want to know K1lled." I feel the tears prick my eyes as I stand up. "If you think this is helping me, then you're wrong, so wrong. How can it help me to tell me that there was someone else you loved too?"
"You might want to know," K1lled replied, standing up to meet me.
"I don't think so."
"Its someone you know."
"That makes me feel a million times better."
"Someone you know extremely well."
"Why, this is the best news I've had all year," I reply, half sarcastically, and half about to break down.
"Smiley." The softness of his voice shuts me up. "Remember that mousepad I got you for your birthday?" I nod. "Don't you think it was a bit too much for someone who was only meant to be a friend?"
"I thought you were being nice."
"Too nice," he laughs. "That cost me a fortune. To get it I didn't spend nearly as much on ev as I wanted."
"Nice move…the whole guilt trip thing."
"I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to make you realise. I've always spent more time with you than I have ev. I always put you before her when it should be the other way around. If you ask, I come running. If you cry, I want to be the shoulder you do it on. If you laugh, I have to be there to hear it because my day isn't right if I don't hear it."
"K1lled…what are you-"
"Don't you get it Smiley? I didn't until after the café. It was you all along. I loved ev because she was someone who could be there. I loved ev because I couldn't come to terms with the fact I loved my best friend, my girlfriends sister." I drop the coffee mug I'm holding. "Isn't that a laugh? I love my best friend who is my ex-girlfriends sister and my brother loves her too."
For some reason, I have a weird deja vu vibe.
"I want to say sorry for not saying anything. I didn't know you felt like that. I'll understand if you cant stand the sight of me after what I put you through, but after 2 years, I felt like I had to tell you. Because in my opinion, its 2 years too late and I couldn't wait any longer."
I could pinch myself right now just to check that this isn't a dream.
"Please, just say something Smiley."
Oh god, help me say something that makes sense. Anything, just something he can understand.
"Four words. Just say them to me and I wont leave. I wont go to the EU."
"But that's what you want. For the past 2 years that's where you've wanted to go."
"But I want you more." I smile as a tear slides down my cheek.
"Say it to me. Those words."
"I love you K1lled."
I smile as more tears roll down my face. "So god damn much." I laugh and throw my arms around him, hanging on for dear life, crying into his shoulders
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
To shed tears for the one I love is only natural.
"I love you too." I feel him smile against my neck. "So god damn much." He laughs as he pulls away to face me. His smile…Leaning forward, he places those lips on mine. This is what I've been waiting for. And so I swear to god, I will not waste this moment
He kissed me and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingled. I ran my fingers down K1lled's spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us. I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest.
We are one