If this is what depression feels like, then just kill me now. I haven't K1lled in two days. His anniversary with ev is tomorrow and he hasn't been seen since ev told him about Itache. Hell, we don't even know if this anniversary is still going ahead. They haven't said to each other they're splitting up, but from the looks of it, it seems to be a silent, mutual ending.
But that's not what's depressing me. He won't return my calls. When I go to his house, he is never in. I've taken to eating at least 4 tubs of ice cream a day and numerous packets of crisps. I haven't seen Itache either. But I am not complaining about that.
I wish this had gone differently. Or not at all. I'm not bothered which.
My best friend hates me. He doesn't love me. God I hate those 4 words in the same sentence. I didn't want to hurt him. Far from that. I thought I was protecting him. And yeah, me at the same time, I admit it. But its not like I thought about me and only me. If I had done that I would have told him a long time ago.
Ev is…well…strange. Its like she's in limbo. She hasn't heard from Itache or K1lled. And even if I do feel slightly sorry for her, I blame her for all of this. She deserves to be broken like this. She cant have both of them. She cant love both of them. Life cant be perfect like that. And its her fault me and K1lled are like this. She just had to tell him didn't she? She just had to. She couldn't help but bring me down with her. If she couldn't have Itache or K1lled, then neither could I.
That brings me to this moment. I'm sitting in the café, drinking free coffee from ifon because he feels sorry for me. I'm not complaining. I get doughnuts too.
"It'll work out in the end," ifon says as he puts another doughnut in front of me and sits down. "K1lled just needs time to get his head around things."
"But its like he's just fallen off the face of the earth. I can't talk to him, he's never at home and he hasn't contacted me. I just…I feel so bad. Doesn't he realise what he's doing to me too?"
"Hey, his girlfriend has just broken his heart and walked all over it and his best friend has just turned around and told him she has loved him for the past 2 years. It's a lot to get your head around."
"I love the way you're so blunt," I say sarcastically. Ifon just shrugs his shoulders and goes off to serve someone else. With my head on my arms, I try to not cry. The bell on the door jingles, signalling someone else coming in, but I don't care. I reach for my coffee but I stop. My heart beat increases ten-fold and I sit up.
He's there. Standing in the door way, looking at me. I stand up and he doesn't move. He looks so rough. He comes towards me and stands on the other side of the table.
"K1lled. I want to sa-"
"Don't, Smiley. I've just came to say I'm leaving for the EU early. I wont be here for graduation…or your birthday. I just felt like I had to say goodbye."
"Its for the best."
"You just cant go and expect everything to right itself." As much as I love him and feel sympathetic towards him, I want him to feel at least some part of my pain. "You ignore me for 2 days after I open my heart out and then show up and say 'goodbye, I'm off, I'm not sorry for crushing your heart'. You cant do that K1lled. It isn't fair. Please."
"It isn't fair? What about me?"
"What about me?!" Terrific, I'm making a scene in the café. "Do you know what you're doing to me?"
I never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, leaving no smears or streaks. I wished I had; then I could have done it in front of people, at this very instant. Instead I can feel my nostrils filling with snot as tears start to tumble down.
"Sorry." The tone of his voice kills me. I cant take it anymore. I lift my coat and push past him. I leave, not looking back. The hot tears fall down my face. Its raining again. My coat doesn't leave my hand as I don't bother putting it on.
The sensible, 'I-accept-reality' part of my brain tells me to get over it. He's moving to the EU and he doesn't love me. But the part of my brain that dreams, and my heart, is telling me not to let go. Its been too long to forget.
God damn it. Why did things end up like this?
"Smiley, are you okay honey?"
"Yeah mum," I lie. She gives me a worried look as she takes another glance at my damp clothing.
"I'm worried about you Smiley. And ev. And K1lled too. Is something going on between you three?"
I don't deign to respond
"Right. Ev is shopping so she should be back soon. I'm going to get the shopping for the week. I'll be back in about two hours."
Moments after she left, the doorbell starts to ring. I open the door and anger floods through me.
"We need to talk."
"No we don't." I try to close the door but he sticks his foot in the way. He's known for putting his foot in it now.
"We do. K1lled is leaving and you need to stop him." I loosen my grip on the door in shock and he steps in. "I take it he's told you from the look on your face."
"Yeah. He found me at the café."
"You cant let him leave like this."
"Excuse me? None of this is my fault. Its all yours and ev's."
"He's more upset over you." Now I'm really confused.
"Why would he care? Its not like he feels the same way."
"Your still his best friend." I stayed silent. "Listen, I know we don't get along that well, but you need to talk to him."
"I cant, every time I do, its ends up one of us walking away. He doesn't feel the same way. I cant keep trying anymore. I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I cant have my heart stood on anymore."
"Has he said he doesn't love you?"
"He said he couldn't do it."
"He couldn't do it then. He couldn't let you talk to him about how much you love him. He doesn't want to go to the EU as much as he did. Wonder why?" I was silent again. "He can leave this town. He can leave his family, he can even leave his love ev, but there's one thing that he doesn't want to leave." My heart becomes lighter, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
"He doesn't want to leave you."
The last thing I see is the ground